It's been a while so I thought it might be time to update.. not that many people even read these but its nice to just release some thoughts here and there.
Things have been so up and down, but the one constant has of course been my Savior. That's something that I've been really holding onto these days, is that as often as things change, I will always have a steady force in my life, if I choose. I've been stressed with this job, and waiting to get certified (which is taking a month longer than it was supposed to), not seeing much of anyone because I work so much, missing my ministries, missing my family through these lonely holidays... but you know what... it doesn't even matter. I realize that I spend too much time wondering about how things would be if they were different that I miss out on what's right in front of me. I am blessed with a good secure job during these rough times, I can still continue with my ministries, just in different ways (my job in itself is its own ministry), my family will always be there for me- no matter how far away, and I have amazing friends who pick me up when I am down. God is so good to me yet I still look for the negative things in my life. I have this very special, encouraging friend at work who is always reminding me of what's important. The other day she shared with me a few things to help stay positive and the two that stuck out the most were to try not to complain about anything, and to not wish you were somewhere else doing something else. Just focusing on these small (or large, however you look at it) things through out the day has made a huge difference for me. Instead of waking up to an empty house in the morning feeling sorry for myself.. I get up, I do something, I clean and read the Bible, I stay busy. And instead of going to work feeling bitter or burnt out, I remember that I was put here for a reason, and God is using me. I sometimes forget just how much having a positive attitude affects my day. It's so easy to get upset and blame it on the things around me, when really It's all about how I choose to perceive things. It all comes down to personal choice, really. If I let the things and the people around me control my emotions then I will never truly find the inner joy that God has given me. So that is what I am focusing on right now... staying positive when things look bleak. God is blessing me... every day, and he is taking care of me.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Monday, August 11, 2008
Change
So much has changed.. and is changing. Why is change always so hard to accept? Is it because we're afraid of what it may bring about? That it might not be what we expect? That what comes will be worse than what was before? I think that's why we're so afraid of taking risks in life. We don't know what will happen, what to expect. People like things to be the same.
I've become somewhat of a recluse yet I'm going to be living in a 3 bedroom house with 5 girls (when I was ready to be living completely by myself), the last guy I dated is now married, I have a new puppy, my older brother is engaged, I have no money, I'm starting a new job soon, I'm attempting to build up broken relationships while others are falling apart, I'm unsure of who God wants me to be with or whether or not he wants me with anyone at all, I miss my family yet I know I'm needed here, I'm being stretched and challenged and some days I don't know if I can handle much more....
Change stinks.
But I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a tiny fraction of the tiny fraction that is my life on this earth. If my entire physical life is but a breath, than what is this small part of it? It will pass as quickly as it has come... and how do I want to remember it? That I was an emotional wreck because I didn't know what was going to happen? Or that I was at peace because I had faith? Peace is so hard for me... I lose it when there is a lot of unknown in my life.. and right now, there is a huge dark cloud of unknown looming above my head each and ever day, blocking my view of the sun that I know is there. I keep scrambling and reaching out trying to hold on to some sort of peace, but I think I just need to relax and let it wash over me. God is teaching me something. To calm down and let him handle it, maybe? I don't know... but not knowing is ok. I forget that sometimes. I try and control these things and I forget that God is in control. Completely. It's ok to fall because he's always waiting to catch us.
I just need to breath.. relax... and be patient, for things will change.. and eventually that change brings about peace.
I've become somewhat of a recluse yet I'm going to be living in a 3 bedroom house with 5 girls (when I was ready to be living completely by myself), the last guy I dated is now married, I have a new puppy, my older brother is engaged, I have no money, I'm starting a new job soon, I'm attempting to build up broken relationships while others are falling apart, I'm unsure of who God wants me to be with or whether or not he wants me with anyone at all, I miss my family yet I know I'm needed here, I'm being stretched and challenged and some days I don't know if I can handle much more....
Change stinks.
But I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a tiny fraction of the tiny fraction that is my life on this earth. If my entire physical life is but a breath, than what is this small part of it? It will pass as quickly as it has come... and how do I want to remember it? That I was an emotional wreck because I didn't know what was going to happen? Or that I was at peace because I had faith? Peace is so hard for me... I lose it when there is a lot of unknown in my life.. and right now, there is a huge dark cloud of unknown looming above my head each and ever day, blocking my view of the sun that I know is there. I keep scrambling and reaching out trying to hold on to some sort of peace, but I think I just need to relax and let it wash over me. God is teaching me something. To calm down and let him handle it, maybe? I don't know... but not knowing is ok. I forget that sometimes. I try and control these things and I forget that God is in control. Completely. It's ok to fall because he's always waiting to catch us.
I just need to breath.. relax... and be patient, for things will change.. and eventually that change brings about peace.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
True Love
I wish I could describe how God has been internally changing me. I've been praying to be able to live by the Spirit.. to be confident in my salvation.. to worry less and love more. And, man.. has God been answering my prayers in incredible ways. I don't think I've ever felt more on fire. More alive. It's a beautiful thing to realize that I don't have to try to be perfect.. and to really feel that God loves me even when I mess up... or especially when I mess up. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 tells us that God's grace is enough for us! And that his power is made perfect in our weakness. Paul then says that he is content with his weaknesses and hardships and trials. "For when I am weak, I am strong". I have only recently began to really understand what he meant by that. I only pray that it continues and grows. God is so good.. I can't say it enough.
So this has been a pretty busy summer for me. A week in Mexico, and then straight to Oklahoma to spend time with an amazing family I know, and also to work at a camp there. 2 days after I got back to California, I drove up with a friend to Tahoe for the annual Tahoe Family Encampment.
It's a beautiful place(this is a picture of a waterfall we spent an afternoon at) and I had a really good time but I was so burnt out that I came back early to have some time alone. I spent some time outside in the hammock.. looking up at the trees and talking to God.. praying about the future.. about the unknown.. It's been splendid.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about a homeless man named Chips that I've grown to care for. My first day back, in between Oklahoma and Tahoe I saw him at the Salvation Army. He was sitting on a couch by the door with a smile on his face. In my overwhelming busy state I almost didn't stop to talk to him, but boy was I glad I did. He told me that he hasn't been by the House in a while.. that he had been in the hospital. He apparently had several minor strokes in a short time and had lost a lot of weight. I was amazed to see him doing so well and remaining so positive after going through something like that. I was happy to run into him since I'm not sure when I will see him again. That's been the hardest part about the ministry. I'm not sure when I will see some of them next. It may be days or months and even some I may never see again. Their lives are ever-changing and so is mine, but the beautiful thing is that lives are being touched.. mine, and I hope also theirs. God is constantly touching my heart with the people around me. I used to question God about why he didn't show himself to me personally.. why he didn't speak to me in a booming voice or come to me in a vision.... and it's been hitting me hard that He does, every single day, using the people in my life. He uses them to comfort me, to encourage me, to teach me lessons about love and patience and kindness. He uses them to show me himself, and it's beautiful.
I thank God for all that he's been teaching me, and all he's been doing for me, and I hope he continues to bless me, and all of you, as well!
So this has been a pretty busy summer for me. A week in Mexico, and then straight to Oklahoma to spend time with an amazing family I know, and also to work at a camp there. 2 days after I got back to California, I drove up with a friend to Tahoe for the annual Tahoe Family Encampment.
It's a beautiful place(this is a picture of a waterfall we spent an afternoon at) and I had a really good time but I was so burnt out that I came back early to have some time alone. I spent some time outside in the hammock.. looking up at the trees and talking to God.. praying about the future.. about the unknown.. It's been splendid.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about a homeless man named Chips that I've grown to care for. My first day back, in between Oklahoma and Tahoe I saw him at the Salvation Army. He was sitting on a couch by the door with a smile on his face. In my overwhelming busy state I almost didn't stop to talk to him, but boy was I glad I did. He told me that he hasn't been by the House in a while.. that he had been in the hospital. He apparently had several minor strokes in a short time and had lost a lot of weight. I was amazed to see him doing so well and remaining so positive after going through something like that. I was happy to run into him since I'm not sure when I will see him again. That's been the hardest part about the ministry. I'm not sure when I will see some of them next. It may be days or months and even some I may never see again. Their lives are ever-changing and so is mine, but the beautiful thing is that lives are being touched.. mine, and I hope also theirs. God is constantly touching my heart with the people around me. I used to question God about why he didn't show himself to me personally.. why he didn't speak to me in a booming voice or come to me in a vision.... and it's been hitting me hard that He does, every single day, using the people in my life. He uses them to comfort me, to encourage me, to teach me lessons about love and patience and kindness. He uses them to show me himself, and it's beautiful.
I thank God for all that he's been teaching me, and all he's been doing for me, and I hope he continues to bless me, and all of you, as well!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Like a rock (and I'm not talking about the trucks!!)
God's pretty good at rocking my world. I've recently been realizing that a lot of my friendships here are almost entirely one way... and it's mainly my own fault. I still have problems opening up completely to people... at least about certain things. I'm perfectly ok with listening to someone's problems, being a shoulder to cry on, or just being available to vent to. When it comes to myself, however, there aren't too many people in my life I go to for all those things. It's easy for me to be open about my anger or my frustrations... that's pretty much how I get out all my emotions... but sadness and a hurt heart I tend to keep to myself. I usually handle these emotions in a very private way... hiding from the world until I feel I have dealt with it (notice all the "I"s in this sentence... not a very good start) After making this realization, I began to try and make changes with some friendships. Sharing my sadness and just trying to be more open. More vulnerable.
We spent the weekend at a youth rally in Oregon, and I decided from the start that I wasn't going to think too much... just act. Surprisingly... it worked pretty well (although as a kid I used to get in a lot of trouble for not thinking before I acted... glad it's finally paying off!!) I got pretty close to some kids and I didn't find myself constantly worried about what people were thinking of me. The rally is called Rally on the Rock, and this years theme was "A God that rocks". Eli-our coordinator and the preacher here (for those of you who don't know this already)- spoke about a God that rocks people, places and things. He used Acts to show how God shakes things up for us quite often. With Paul for example; blinding him for three days and leaving him with only his dark memories of the persecutions he led... and then becoming one of the most influential and powerful Christians this earth has ever seen. So needless to say, the weekend was absolutely incredible and uplifting.
Over this last week two of my absolute closest friendships were on the line. One, now fixed (and doing very well, I might add) and the other is not doing so well. Not even hours after we got back to Grass Valley... I found out a good friend of mine is ready to give up on our friendship because of gossip. She decided that it was too stressful to confront me about it so it was just easier to give up and "not deal with it". She won't speak to me.. when she comes by the house she barely looks at me... and she won't listen when I try to apologize or explain the truth to her. Now... in the past, I would have written her off, put up my walls, and not even given it a second thought. But now... that just days before I was asking God to make me a better friend... I realized that I have to behave differently than what my instincts and my defensive side are saying. This girl is someone that I've been trying to be a mentor too, which could only be done through being a friend, first. I spent a good amount of time with her nearly ever single day. I could easily retaliate with harsh words and anger... but what would that show her? I don't want to be just another person in her life that's given up on her when things aren't so great. I guess I've never realized before how much my actions really do affect other people. From the tiniest things I say to the great statements I make with my lifestyles and actions. I want to be someone who's not afraid to be vulnerable in relationships.
Now, I know that these small things aren't life changing or earth shattering... and they certainly aren't comparable to Paul's story. But it's personal... and God is rocking my world through it. I'm seeing now that when it comes to fight or flight... I'm usually more apt to take flight... but I want to change that in myself. I want to be that person who will fight for the things I believe are right and true. Whether that's my relationships or my faith in God.
In some ways, I've been feeling a little lonely. Like there are so many people around me.. and amazing people at that... but I'm just not sure how to turn those good friendships into deep bonds. However, this feeling has been pushing me closer to God, and making me realize that I am never alone. And even if I have zero friends in this world, than I can be content with that. Because really.. when it comes down to it... what is the point of worrying and stressing so much over these earthly things. I'm not trying to say that our relationships on this earth aren't important.. because I think they're one of the most important things we are given in this life... but in the end, when I look back... do I want to remember all the worries and the stresses and the fears? Or do I want to remember the faith that I had in God to take care of it all for me.
Maybe we should all let God rock our worlds a little more often.
We spent the weekend at a youth rally in Oregon, and I decided from the start that I wasn't going to think too much... just act. Surprisingly... it worked pretty well (although as a kid I used to get in a lot of trouble for not thinking before I acted... glad it's finally paying off!!) I got pretty close to some kids and I didn't find myself constantly worried about what people were thinking of me. The rally is called Rally on the Rock, and this years theme was "A God that rocks". Eli-our coordinator and the preacher here (for those of you who don't know this already)- spoke about a God that rocks people, places and things. He used Acts to show how God shakes things up for us quite often. With Paul for example; blinding him for three days and leaving him with only his dark memories of the persecutions he led... and then becoming one of the most influential and powerful Christians this earth has ever seen. So needless to say, the weekend was absolutely incredible and uplifting.
Over this last week two of my absolute closest friendships were on the line. One, now fixed (and doing very well, I might add) and the other is not doing so well. Not even hours after we got back to Grass Valley... I found out a good friend of mine is ready to give up on our friendship because of gossip. She decided that it was too stressful to confront me about it so it was just easier to give up and "not deal with it". She won't speak to me.. when she comes by the house she barely looks at me... and she won't listen when I try to apologize or explain the truth to her. Now... in the past, I would have written her off, put up my walls, and not even given it a second thought. But now... that just days before I was asking God to make me a better friend... I realized that I have to behave differently than what my instincts and my defensive side are saying. This girl is someone that I've been trying to be a mentor too, which could only be done through being a friend, first. I spent a good amount of time with her nearly ever single day. I could easily retaliate with harsh words and anger... but what would that show her? I don't want to be just another person in her life that's given up on her when things aren't so great. I guess I've never realized before how much my actions really do affect other people. From the tiniest things I say to the great statements I make with my lifestyles and actions. I want to be someone who's not afraid to be vulnerable in relationships.
Now, I know that these small things aren't life changing or earth shattering... and they certainly aren't comparable to Paul's story. But it's personal... and God is rocking my world through it. I'm seeing now that when it comes to fight or flight... I'm usually more apt to take flight... but I want to change that in myself. I want to be that person who will fight for the things I believe are right and true. Whether that's my relationships or my faith in God.
In some ways, I've been feeling a little lonely. Like there are so many people around me.. and amazing people at that... but I'm just not sure how to turn those good friendships into deep bonds. However, this feeling has been pushing me closer to God, and making me realize that I am never alone. And even if I have zero friends in this world, than I can be content with that. Because really.. when it comes down to it... what is the point of worrying and stressing so much over these earthly things. I'm not trying to say that our relationships on this earth aren't important.. because I think they're one of the most important things we are given in this life... but in the end, when I look back... do I want to remember all the worries and the stresses and the fears? Or do I want to remember the faith that I had in God to take care of it all for me.
Maybe we should all let God rock our worlds a little more often.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Jesus was homeless
One of my favorite things here is when I get to spend time with the homeless. It has always been something I've desired to do, but I never realized how much it would open my eyes to different things.
I have grown to really care for these people that I have spent so much time with. It's not always easy, but I have realized that one thing that they all (well.. every human being) have in common is that they want to be acknowledged and treated with respect just like any other person. Some of them even put on a facade with people and don't show their true selfs until they see that they are actually cared for.
There's this older man named Chips who every time he sees us he cracks a joke or shows us a little trick with some coins. I wasn't even sure if he was "all there" or not, but I always really enjoyed seeing him. On Sunday night I was playing Sudoku and he came over to make fun of me (like usual). I ended up tearing out a page for him, and he sat down and started showing me little puzzles and tricks. After a while of that, he started talking about God and about how even though he's alone he's not lonely because God is always there with him. He went on to say that homeless people just want to be treated like people. They just want to be acknowledge on the streets... to be said hello to... to be seen as human beings just like everyone else. It was the first time Chips had opened up to us like that. He gave me some of the best advice you could give a person- and asked that if we were to pass on anything it would be this; to live each moment to the fullest and not to be anxious for the future or because of the past because you never know which second could be your last. I felt like God was speaking to me through this crazy 9-fingered old man. This man that most people don't give the time of day to just because he lives on the streets. It's heartbreaking to see that these children of God are treated less than human because of where they live. I'm guilty of it too.. of passing judgment on someone I see in the streets just because they are dirty and push a shopping cart around. I don't know their story until I know them, and I have spent time with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and have shared some beautiful moments with them. Like reading the Bible with Brandon, and hearing Stephen's stories, and playing the guitar with Paul.
They're pretty special people, and I have been so blessed to get to spend so much time with them. I hope that whoever is reading this gets a little better look into the soul of some of God's most beautiful children... and the next time you pass someone in the streets that you normally wouldn't even think twice about.. say hello, give them a smile, maybe even take some time out of your busy schedule to stop and see how they are doing.
And remember.... Jesus was homeless too.
I have grown to really care for these people that I have spent so much time with. It's not always easy, but I have realized that one thing that they all (well.. every human being) have in common is that they want to be acknowledged and treated with respect just like any other person. Some of them even put on a facade with people and don't show their true selfs until they see that they are actually cared for.
There's this older man named Chips who every time he sees us he cracks a joke or shows us a little trick with some coins. I wasn't even sure if he was "all there" or not, but I always really enjoyed seeing him. On Sunday night I was playing Sudoku and he came over to make fun of me (like usual). I ended up tearing out a page for him, and he sat down and started showing me little puzzles and tricks. After a while of that, he started talking about God and about how even though he's alone he's not lonely because God is always there with him. He went on to say that homeless people just want to be treated like people. They just want to be acknowledge on the streets... to be said hello to... to be seen as human beings just like everyone else. It was the first time Chips had opened up to us like that. He gave me some of the best advice you could give a person- and asked that if we were to pass on anything it would be this; to live each moment to the fullest and not to be anxious for the future or because of the past because you never know which second could be your last. I felt like God was speaking to me through this crazy 9-fingered old man. This man that most people don't give the time of day to just because he lives on the streets. It's heartbreaking to see that these children of God are treated less than human because of where they live. I'm guilty of it too.. of passing judgment on someone I see in the streets just because they are dirty and push a shopping cart around. I don't know their story until I know them, and I have spent time with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and have shared some beautiful moments with them. Like reading the Bible with Brandon, and hearing Stephen's stories, and playing the guitar with Paul.
They're pretty special people, and I have been so blessed to get to spend so much time with them. I hope that whoever is reading this gets a little better look into the soul of some of God's most beautiful children... and the next time you pass someone in the streets that you normally wouldn't even think twice about.. say hello, give them a smile, maybe even take some time out of your busy schedule to stop and see how they are doing.
And remember.... Jesus was homeless too.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thoughts
I've realized something recently... and maybe I've already known this, or maybe I will forget and have to learn it all over again in the future, or maybe I'm just the last person alive to figure this out.
My emotions don't define who I am. If I am feeling low and feeling bad about myself, that doesn't always mean it's true. God defines who I am. I sometimes get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see myself, or anyone else, through God's eyes. Just because one day I feel low, and the next I feel fantastic... it doesn't mean that I was worse off the day before, or better off on the "good" day. If I can hold on to that, then maybe I won't let my emotions rule my life so much.
I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions. God gave us every emotion we feel... and I think life would be pretty bland with out them, don't you? But if we can start listening more to what God says, and less to what we say... wouldn't that make life a little better for everyone?
This past week was a little tough for me. I was fed up with the drama here and tired of dealing with it, so I spent a lot of time distancing myself from most people. I started to wonder what I was doing here and if I was even affecting anyones life in a positive way, or if I was just adding to the drama. I was being really hard on myself, and I knew it. And then I read Jonah, and noticed something I never thought of before. God could have sent ANYONE to Nineveh... but he chose Jonah. Jonah was hard-headed, scared, stubborn... he even tried to run away from God! God could have easily sent down a legion of angels to get Nineveh to change... but I don't think that's the lesson here. God taught Jonah a whole lot, he used him for good, but he also taught him some pretty valuable lessons along the way. It's funny to me that in chapter 4 when Jonah is praying to God out of his anger, he says "For I KNEW that you are a gracious and compassionate God... slow to anger and abundant in love!" He even asks God to take his life. Jonah knows this about God yet he does exactly the opposite. Gets angry at God at the drop of a hat. At the end of the book, God does something that I find pretty amazing. Jonah is sitting in the desert and God gives him a plant to shade him from the sun and "deliver him from his discomfort.. and Jonah was extremely happy". Then he sends a worm to chew and wither the plant, and after that appoints a "scorching east wind.... he became faint and begged with all his soul to die". God compares Jonahs compassion on the plant (which he didn't work for) to God's own compassion for the city of Nineveh (full of individuals that he loves and cares for). I think that we can all relate to Jonah in some ways. God gives and God takes away. Who are we to be angry with God for what we didn't even work for ourselves? Such proud people we are! And who are we to try and run from God? Such scared and fearful people we are! And who are we to not trust God when he sends us somewhere?... I used to wonder why Jonah made the decisions he made. Why he was so angry with God... and now I see that I'm more like Jonah than I used to think.
God is omnipotent... omniscient... and I am but a tiny clueless speck in this massive universe. Why would I rely on anyone but him? Especially on myself.
God is using me here... and this is where I need to focus all of my energy and all of my mind and heart.
My emotions don't define who I am. If I am feeling low and feeling bad about myself, that doesn't always mean it's true. God defines who I am. I sometimes get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see myself, or anyone else, through God's eyes. Just because one day I feel low, and the next I feel fantastic... it doesn't mean that I was worse off the day before, or better off on the "good" day. If I can hold on to that, then maybe I won't let my emotions rule my life so much.
I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions. God gave us every emotion we feel... and I think life would be pretty bland with out them, don't you? But if we can start listening more to what God says, and less to what we say... wouldn't that make life a little better for everyone?
This past week was a little tough for me. I was fed up with the drama here and tired of dealing with it, so I spent a lot of time distancing myself from most people. I started to wonder what I was doing here and if I was even affecting anyones life in a positive way, or if I was just adding to the drama. I was being really hard on myself, and I knew it. And then I read Jonah, and noticed something I never thought of before. God could have sent ANYONE to Nineveh... but he chose Jonah. Jonah was hard-headed, scared, stubborn... he even tried to run away from God! God could have easily sent down a legion of angels to get Nineveh to change... but I don't think that's the lesson here. God taught Jonah a whole lot, he used him for good, but he also taught him some pretty valuable lessons along the way. It's funny to me that in chapter 4 when Jonah is praying to God out of his anger, he says "For I KNEW that you are a gracious and compassionate God... slow to anger and abundant in love!" He even asks God to take his life. Jonah knows this about God yet he does exactly the opposite. Gets angry at God at the drop of a hat. At the end of the book, God does something that I find pretty amazing. Jonah is sitting in the desert and God gives him a plant to shade him from the sun and "deliver him from his discomfort.. and Jonah was extremely happy". Then he sends a worm to chew and wither the plant, and after that appoints a "scorching east wind.... he became faint and begged with all his soul to die". God compares Jonahs compassion on the plant (which he didn't work for) to God's own compassion for the city of Nineveh (full of individuals that he loves and cares for). I think that we can all relate to Jonah in some ways. God gives and God takes away. Who are we to be angry with God for what we didn't even work for ourselves? Such proud people we are! And who are we to try and run from God? Such scared and fearful people we are! And who are we to not trust God when he sends us somewhere?... I used to wonder why Jonah made the decisions he made. Why he was so angry with God... and now I see that I'm more like Jonah than I used to think.
God is omnipotent... omniscient... and I am but a tiny clueless speck in this massive universe. Why would I rely on anyone but him? Especially on myself.
God is using me here... and this is where I need to focus all of my energy and all of my mind and heart.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Take a look!
I thought maybe it was a good time to put up some pictures from the past few months. So here they are!
My teammate Amber at a college retreat we went on
My teammate Amber at a college retreat we went on
Snowing!!
Justina and Katie. 2 of the girls we baby-sit
On our way back from Texas we stopped at these beautiful falls in AZ to hike and enjoy God's beauty
On our way to Texas for Camp Adventure. Two of my teammates; Logan and Kelli
Amber M. and I on the way to Texas
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)