Where is yours?

What is it about us silly human beings that we tend to base our happiness and our peace off of the people around us? What people think about us, whether or not we are in a relationship, if we have a lot of friends... and so on. I don't want to let what other people think if me define who I am. I'm not trying to say that how we interact with the people around us isn't important... it's very important, but I just think we waste too much energy on letting what other people say or do shape how we view ourselves. I only say all this because it's something I have struggled with for a long time, and I think it's the first time in my life I'm letting go of a lot of it.  I just moved home... I really don't have a lot of friends, I'm not in the place I should be in my life according to the world's opinion, I'm sure not anywhere close to settling down with anyone... and I am finding my own peace through it all. I think it's important to find peace within ourselves rather than within the people we hang out with or the job we have or anything else. Because when those things falter what do you have left? Yourself.

It's been really good for me to dig deeper into myself and find out where my joy lies... and I keep discovering that it doesn't always lie where it should. I've been trying to focus on the simple things, and trying to put my relationship with God first.  I've been spending more time alone with him, opening myself up more. I don't think I ever realize how easy it is to sort of keep God at an arm's length away at all times. He's there when I need him, but that's it. I don't want that kind of relationship with him... I want more than that.

Anyway... I think it's important for us to really take the time to evaluate ourselves and find out what truly gives us joy and peace. Is it what others see in us, or what we see in ourselves?

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"

Paul goes on after this to talk about all the things we need to focus on in order to feel the peace he is talking about here. It's spelled out so plainly, so simply. Then why is it so hard to find this peace in our daily lives? I have been thinking about these verses for days now. Striving to rejoice and let this peace wash over me. There are so many things to worry about, to stress over, to wonder about... but honestly... in the long run, none of it even matters. God hasn't promised me success, or marriage, or riches, or good fortune, or even happiness; all he's promised me is eternal life, and that is enough! I could go through this life with nothing but my faith, and I would have everything I need. It's amazing how I so often forget that. How I convince myself that it's so important that I make all the right decisions and live in all the right places and be with all the right people. That's not how it works. This is probably the first time in my life that I am really and truly trying to listen to God's voice and allow him to just lead me. I don't want to make the decisions anymore. I don't want to try and figure out every step I'm going to take. Since when was I ever in control anyway? I just sometimes like to think that I am. I have NEVER been in control, and I never will be, and as soon as I learn that and live that I will feel that peace that's been promised to me. God is so good, isn't he? Why would I ever live my life in such a way that shows I doubt that? Yet when I worry, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm tired of living my life in fear.

Rejoice in the Lord. That's all it takes. Rejoice in every aspect of this life I've been blessed with. If I can find that joy... that pure joy in the Lord, I will have everything I need to make it through this life.

who, what, where?

Wow... so change sometimes comes about pretty quick. It's hard to tell sometimes when the change is good or maybe not so good. I pray that these decisions I've made over the past few weeks are the best ones I could have. As of April 7th, I will be a Floridian again. I'm not sure how the decision came about... but All I know is I had been thinking about ways to feel more useful here.. to feel busy again (busy in a way other than working all the time). And somehow the idea to move home came up.. and then it was decided. It was all so fast.. still is. If you had asked me three weeks ago, I probably would have said I would never live in Florida again. Funny how things change so quickly. I really miss my family and I think it's about time I spent some real time with them. There isn't much keeping me here except my job. I can't even participate in my old ministries because I have to work full time just to be able to live here. It sort of defeats the purpose. Anyway... it's hard though, because I've really grown to love the people here, especially the ones I work with. It will be hard to say good-bye to my residents, I just feel like it's time to move on. So back home I go for a while. I'll probably get some school out of the way until I figure out for sure what I want to do in life. There really are so many options and I think I need to let God lead me rather than trying to figure it all out. I think the best place for me to do that is home with my family, where I belong (for now, anyway). I'm actually really excited about the thought of being home for a while, considering I had it set in my mind that I would never live at home again. It's all so overwhelming, and I know it will be tough, but I don't plan on falling back and being lazy. I need to stay active and continue seeking ways to serve anywhere I go. I know God will bless this decision.

Anyway... that's the scoop on my life at the moment. Crazy, I know.

,,,,

FINALLY... today is the day that I am officially a certified nurses assistant. The process took much longer than it originally should have, but the 14 of us finally made it. The crazy part is... is that as good as it feels to finally be here... part of me still wants to be somewhere else. This isn't what I see myself doing forever.. not even for a big chunk of my life, but its a stepping stone. Next..... nursing school. It scares me because its going to be a while before I get my general classes done before I can even start nursing school. I don't want to be in school for years, but I know that in the long run its such a small portion of my life and maybe one day I will finally be doing what I really desire to be doing. And that's bringing health care to places and to people who can't get it on their own. I can't do that unless I suck it up, tough it out, and work hard. I just never knew it would be so stressful. I find myself constantly praying for peace and for strength and the process has barely even started yet! If I'm struggling this much now I will definitely need to keep asking for these things if I'm going to make this happen. My anxiety has been a huge issue. I thought that I had it under control but it's come out so much in the past few months.

And not only is the job itself a big cause of stress, but basically every other aspect of my life right now is too. I've found myself in a job where I take care of people who can't care for themselves, and then I come home and I try and take care of room mates, and friends and everyone else who needs it. God has brought me to situations where I just have to throw up my hands to him and ask him to lift the burden from my heart. I can't fix the brokenness in the people around me but I can be a source of God's love and peace... but I HAVE to remember to take care of myself, and let others take care of me too. My whole life I have tried to do everything myself with no help from anybody, and I still find myself doing it. Even with my relationship with God. I say over and over "I'm fine... I can handle it" and then when it becomes to heavy I bring it to Him. I believe that he is really trying to show me how to include him always and not just when I can't handle it on my own. I know he is preparing me for things I will encounter down the road, and for that I am grateful. But it still doesn't make it any easier. I still find myself trying to be strong and trying not to burden others with my stresses, but I have to remember that God gave us each other for many reasons, and comfort and encouragement are just a few of those.

He is truly amazing.

Today is the day before tomorrow

It's been a while so I thought it might be time to update.. not that many people even read these but its nice to just release some thoughts here and there.

Things have been so up and down, but the one constant has of course been my Savior. That's something that I've been really holding onto these days, is that as often as things change, I will always have a steady force in my life, if I choose. I've been stressed with this job, and waiting to get certified (which is taking a month longer than it was supposed to), not seeing much of anyone because I work so much, missing my ministries, missing my family through these lonely holidays... but you know what... it doesn't even matter. I realize that I spend too much time wondering about how things would be if they were different that I miss out on what's right in front of me. I am blessed with a good secure job during these rough times, I can still continue with my ministries, just in different ways (my job in itself is its own ministry), my family will always be there for me- no matter how far away, and I have amazing friends who pick me up when I am down. God is so good to me yet I still look for the negative things in my life. I have this very special, encouraging friend at work who is always reminding me of what's important. The other day she shared with me a few things to help stay positive and the two that stuck out the most were to try not to complain about anything, and to not wish you were somewhere else doing something else. Just focusing on these small (or large, however you look at it) things through out the day has made a huge difference for me. Instead of waking up to an empty house in the morning feeling sorry for myself.. I get up, I do something, I clean and read the Bible, I stay busy. And instead of going to work feeling bitter or burnt out, I remember that I was put here for a reason, and God is using me. I sometimes forget just how much having a positive attitude affects my day. It's so easy to get upset and blame it on the things around me, when really It's all about how I choose to perceive things. It all comes down to personal choice, really. If I let the things and the people around me control my emotions then I will never truly find the inner joy that God has given me. So that is what I am focusing on right now... staying positive when things look bleak. God is blessing me... every day, and he is taking care of me.