Thoughts

I've realized something recently... and maybe I've already known this, or maybe I will forget and have to learn it all over again in the future, or maybe I'm just the last person alive to figure this out.

My emotions don't define who I am. If I am feeling low and feeling bad about myself, that doesn't always mean it's true. God defines who I am. I sometimes get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see myself, or anyone else, through God's eyes. Just because one day I feel low, and the next I feel fantastic... it doesn't mean that I was worse off the day before, or better off on the "good" day. If I can hold on to that, then maybe I won't let my emotions rule my life so much.
I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions. God gave us every emotion we feel... and I think life would be pretty bland with out them, don't you? But if we can start listening more to what God says, and less to what we say... wouldn't that make life a little better for everyone?

This past week was a little tough for me. I was fed up with the drama here and tired of dealing with it, so I spent a lot of time distancing myself from most people. I started to wonder what I was doing here and if I was even affecting anyones life in a positive way, or if I was just adding to the drama. I was being really hard on myself, and I knew it. And then I read Jonah, and noticed something I never thought of before. God could have sent ANYONE to Nineveh... but he chose Jonah. Jonah was hard-headed, scared, stubborn... he even tried to run away from God! God could have easily sent down a legion of angels to get Nineveh to change... but I don't think that's the lesson here. God taught Jonah a whole lot, he used him for good, but he also taught him some pretty valuable lessons along the way. It's funny to me that in chapter 4 when Jonah is praying to God out of his anger, he says "For I KNEW that you are a gracious and compassionate God... slow to anger and abundant in love!" He even asks God to take his life. Jonah knows this about God yet he does exactly the opposite. Gets angry at God at the drop of a hat. At the end of the book, God does something that I find pretty amazing. Jonah is sitting in the desert and God gives him a plant to shade him from the sun and "deliver him from his discomfort.. and Jonah was extremely happy". Then he sends a worm to chew and wither the plant, and after that appoints a "scorching east wind.... he became faint and begged with all his soul to die". God compares Jonahs compassion on the plant (which he didn't work for) to God's own compassion for the city of Nineveh (full of individuals that he loves and cares for). I think that we can all relate to Jonah in some ways. God gives and God takes away. Who are we to be angry with God for what we didn't even work for ourselves? Such proud people we are! And who are we to try and run from God? Such scared and fearful people we are! And who are we to not trust God when he sends us somewhere?... I used to wonder why Jonah made the decisions he made. Why he was so angry with God... and now I see that I'm more like Jonah than I used to think.

God is omnipotent... omniscient... and I am but a tiny clueless speck in this massive universe. Why would I rely on anyone but him? Especially on myself.

God is using me here... and this is where I need to focus all of my energy and all of my mind and heart.

Take a look!

I thought maybe it was a good time to put up some pictures from the past few months. So here they are!




My teammate Amber at a college retreat we went on

Snowing!!

Justina and Katie. 2 of the girls we baby-sit

On our way back from Texas we stopped at these beautiful falls in AZ to hike and enjoy God's beauty

On our way to Texas for Camp Adventure. Two of my teammates; Logan and Kelli

Amber M. and I on the way to Texas

A babbling brook (that'd be me)

I don't have any fancy words and thought out "lessons" to share... but I just felt like writing. I'm not even sure what about.

Things around here have been... good. Challenging, but good. I feel as though I have been learning so much. About myself and about others and about God's character. I can be so blind sometimes with what I think is right that I don't see how things really are.. and I've been seeing that lately as well. I can be so hard headed sometimes! But God is using that and he is teaching me.

It's been tough in a lot of ways... with different relationships and team conflict and internal struggles. But I have been joyful, and eager to grow. I have had some beautiful moments with God lately. I've been asking to be led by the Spirit and I've been feeling myself struggle between my desires and the Spirit inside me. I wonder if that's a little bit what Abraham felt like when he wrestled with God. I read in Acts how Paul and the others were led by the Spirit. how Philip was driven by the Spirit to do things he didn't necessarily choose on his own. That's what I want to feel. I want to be so filled with the Spirit that I can't even see myself anymore. That thought scared me at first, but I realize that it's one of the most beautiful things about our relationship with God. We can be so intertwined with him that we ARE him, in a way.

The other night, I started thinking about my niece back home and about my family and about all of the things that I am missing out on. I began feeling pain for those I love... for those around me that are hurting and I was deeply moved. I felt like the Spirit was trying to lead me and take control of my heart. I cried a lot. The tears came from no where, and I spent a lot of time in prayer. I was feeling ashamed of not living more on fire for God... and I was sad for the world that I am sometimes too scared to share Jesus with.

A friend shared a really helpful verse with me that night. Psalm 51:15-17.

"O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise"

And also: Romans 12:9

"But he said to me,'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me"

I was really encouraged by these verses to stop trying so hard to be perfect and to do things the right way. That's not what this life is about. God wants our efforts and our minds, but most of all he desires our hearts. He calls us to love and shine and just BE. (Isaiah 58:6 and on, explain it perfectly). We don't have to get it all "right" all the time.

I need to shed my fears and shout His name from the mountaintops, whisper it in the fields, and share it in my actions. I need to look at each person as though they are Jesus... I need to love fully and completely and not love based on how I am treated or on what I think is "right". I've seen lately just how biased and unfair I can be at times.

I want my love to know no boundaries.
And I don't want to be afraid of it's power anymore.