Thoughts

I've realized something recently... and maybe I've already known this, or maybe I will forget and have to learn it all over again in the future, or maybe I'm just the last person alive to figure this out.

My emotions don't define who I am. If I am feeling low and feeling bad about myself, that doesn't always mean it's true. God defines who I am. I sometimes get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see myself, or anyone else, through God's eyes. Just because one day I feel low, and the next I feel fantastic... it doesn't mean that I was worse off the day before, or better off on the "good" day. If I can hold on to that, then maybe I won't let my emotions rule my life so much.
I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions. God gave us every emotion we feel... and I think life would be pretty bland with out them, don't you? But if we can start listening more to what God says, and less to what we say... wouldn't that make life a little better for everyone?

This past week was a little tough for me. I was fed up with the drama here and tired of dealing with it, so I spent a lot of time distancing myself from most people. I started to wonder what I was doing here and if I was even affecting anyones life in a positive way, or if I was just adding to the drama. I was being really hard on myself, and I knew it. And then I read Jonah, and noticed something I never thought of before. God could have sent ANYONE to Nineveh... but he chose Jonah. Jonah was hard-headed, scared, stubborn... he even tried to run away from God! God could have easily sent down a legion of angels to get Nineveh to change... but I don't think that's the lesson here. God taught Jonah a whole lot, he used him for good, but he also taught him some pretty valuable lessons along the way. It's funny to me that in chapter 4 when Jonah is praying to God out of his anger, he says "For I KNEW that you are a gracious and compassionate God... slow to anger and abundant in love!" He even asks God to take his life. Jonah knows this about God yet he does exactly the opposite. Gets angry at God at the drop of a hat. At the end of the book, God does something that I find pretty amazing. Jonah is sitting in the desert and God gives him a plant to shade him from the sun and "deliver him from his discomfort.. and Jonah was extremely happy". Then he sends a worm to chew and wither the plant, and after that appoints a "scorching east wind.... he became faint and begged with all his soul to die". God compares Jonahs compassion on the plant (which he didn't work for) to God's own compassion for the city of Nineveh (full of individuals that he loves and cares for). I think that we can all relate to Jonah in some ways. God gives and God takes away. Who are we to be angry with God for what we didn't even work for ourselves? Such proud people we are! And who are we to try and run from God? Such scared and fearful people we are! And who are we to not trust God when he sends us somewhere?... I used to wonder why Jonah made the decisions he made. Why he was so angry with God... and now I see that I'm more like Jonah than I used to think.

God is omnipotent... omniscient... and I am but a tiny clueless speck in this massive universe. Why would I rely on anyone but him? Especially on myself.

God is using me here... and this is where I need to focus all of my energy and all of my mind and heart.