Where are you going?

A few things have happened to me recently that are changing my perspective on the world. It's so easy for me to feel sad and defeated when I look around me, but it's time I changed my attitude. I'm reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller, and he emphasizes the idea of telling a better story. Living a better life. Not just talking about it, or thinking about it, or saying "maybe one day I will....", but actually DOING it. Making it happen. He also talks about the things he did to make his story better. He talks about how in every good story, the main character undergoes some sort of transformation, and that we are all living out a story. It's really inspiring. Read it!

I was also blessed enough to attend the Passion Conference in Atlanta earlier this month. I didn't quite know what I was getting into before I went, but I was completely and utterly blown away by what took place. Over 20,000 God-loving college students from all over the world gathered together to praise God and to actually DO something to make a difference in this world. Over $600,000 was raised for different organizations such as the Not For Sale Campaign, for Children with cleft palettes, small business loans for women in Haiti (before the earthquake) and so much more. Thousands of towels and even more pairs of socks were brought in for the homeless of Atlanta, and lives were transformed. If you think that it's incredible- not only was over $600,000 raised (100,000 over the original goal)- someone in Atlanta heard about what was happening and wrote a check, on the spot, matching what was already raised, bringing the total to over 1 million dollars to help feed hungry children, save women from being sold as sex slaves, and forever change lives. Like I said, it's one thing to talk about something but it's completely another thing to actually do it.

Before that weekend... I was so caught up in my own "problems" (not knowing my future, feeling stuck here, things that are so incredibly small compared to what is going on in the world around me every day)- that I was forgetting about what's important. My life was changed that weekend. Seeing that many young people care so much about what's going on in the world made me realize how incredibly selfish I am. I am wasting the gifts I have. I don't want to sit back and wait for the opportunity to make a difference come to me. I want to put myself out there, to risk failure, to risk heartbreak- in order to make a difference. I don't want to take the easy route anymore. I want to tell a better story. I want to love the world, starting in my community, and working my way out from there. I can't always expect big things to happen, but I have to start small. To remember that every smile, every phone call, every touch counts. Transformation starts from within. It's so easy to get lost in ourselves and forget about those who are truly in need. All it takes is opening our eyes and realize that we CAN make a difference.

And now... seeing how the world is getting involved and actually doing something for the people in Haiti has really confirmed in my heart the path I need to be on. The path to compassion and love. I don't care anymore about which career to choose, or where to live. I mean, those things are important of course- but I believe that as long as I am on the right path the rest will sort of work itself out.

Donald Miller talks about hiking the Inca trail, and how the long and difficult journey made reaching the destination so much more fulfilling than if they had taken the shorter path.

He says:

"The pain made the city more beautiful. The story made us different characters than if we'd showed up at the ending an easier way. It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they've endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who have had easier lives."

The journey truly does define the ending and I don't want to take the easy route anymore.

Where is yours?

What is it about us silly human beings that we tend to base our happiness and our peace off of the people around us? What people think about us, whether or not we are in a relationship, if we have a lot of friends... and so on. I don't want to let what other people think if me define who I am. I'm not trying to say that how we interact with the people around us isn't important... it's very important, but I just think we waste too much energy on letting what other people say or do shape how we view ourselves. I only say all this because it's something I have struggled with for a long time, and I think it's the first time in my life I'm letting go of a lot of it.  I just moved home... I really don't have a lot of friends, I'm not in the place I should be in my life according to the world's opinion, I'm sure not anywhere close to settling down with anyone... and I am finding my own peace through it all. I think it's important to find peace within ourselves rather than within the people we hang out with or the job we have or anything else. Because when those things falter what do you have left? Yourself.

It's been really good for me to dig deeper into myself and find out where my joy lies... and I keep discovering that it doesn't always lie where it should. I've been trying to focus on the simple things, and trying to put my relationship with God first.  I've been spending more time alone with him, opening myself up more. I don't think I ever realize how easy it is to sort of keep God at an arm's length away at all times. He's there when I need him, but that's it. I don't want that kind of relationship with him... I want more than that.

Anyway... I think it's important for us to really take the time to evaluate ourselves and find out what truly gives us joy and peace. Is it what others see in us, or what we see in ourselves?

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"

Paul goes on after this to talk about all the things we need to focus on in order to feel the peace he is talking about here. It's spelled out so plainly, so simply. Then why is it so hard to find this peace in our daily lives? I have been thinking about these verses for days now. Striving to rejoice and let this peace wash over me. There are so many things to worry about, to stress over, to wonder about... but honestly... in the long run, none of it even matters. God hasn't promised me success, or marriage, or riches, or good fortune, or even happiness; all he's promised me is eternal life, and that is enough! I could go through this life with nothing but my faith, and I would have everything I need. It's amazing how I so often forget that. How I convince myself that it's so important that I make all the right decisions and live in all the right places and be with all the right people. That's not how it works. This is probably the first time in my life that I am really and truly trying to listen to God's voice and allow him to just lead me. I don't want to make the decisions anymore. I don't want to try and figure out every step I'm going to take. Since when was I ever in control anyway? I just sometimes like to think that I am. I have NEVER been in control, and I never will be, and as soon as I learn that and live that I will feel that peace that's been promised to me. God is so good, isn't he? Why would I ever live my life in such a way that shows I doubt that? Yet when I worry, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm tired of living my life in fear.

Rejoice in the Lord. That's all it takes. Rejoice in every aspect of this life I've been blessed with. If I can find that joy... that pure joy in the Lord, I will have everything I need to make it through this life.

who, what, where?

Wow... so change sometimes comes about pretty quick. It's hard to tell sometimes when the change is good or maybe not so good. I pray that these decisions I've made over the past few weeks are the best ones I could have. As of April 7th, I will be a Floridian again. I'm not sure how the decision came about... but All I know is I had been thinking about ways to feel more useful here.. to feel busy again (busy in a way other than working all the time). And somehow the idea to move home came up.. and then it was decided. It was all so fast.. still is. If you had asked me three weeks ago, I probably would have said I would never live in Florida again. Funny how things change so quickly. I really miss my family and I think it's about time I spent some real time with them. There isn't much keeping me here except my job. I can't even participate in my old ministries because I have to work full time just to be able to live here. It sort of defeats the purpose. Anyway... it's hard though, because I've really grown to love the people here, especially the ones I work with. It will be hard to say good-bye to my residents, I just feel like it's time to move on. So back home I go for a while. I'll probably get some school out of the way until I figure out for sure what I want to do in life. There really are so many options and I think I need to let God lead me rather than trying to figure it all out. I think the best place for me to do that is home with my family, where I belong (for now, anyway). I'm actually really excited about the thought of being home for a while, considering I had it set in my mind that I would never live at home again. It's all so overwhelming, and I know it will be tough, but I don't plan on falling back and being lazy. I need to stay active and continue seeking ways to serve anywhere I go. I know God will bless this decision.

Anyway... that's the scoop on my life at the moment. Crazy, I know.

,,,,

FINALLY... today is the day that I am officially a certified nurses assistant. The process took much longer than it originally should have, but the 14 of us finally made it. The crazy part is... is that as good as it feels to finally be here... part of me still wants to be somewhere else. This isn't what I see myself doing forever.. not even for a big chunk of my life, but its a stepping stone. Next..... nursing school. It scares me because its going to be a while before I get my general classes done before I can even start nursing school. I don't want to be in school for years, but I know that in the long run its such a small portion of my life and maybe one day I will finally be doing what I really desire to be doing. And that's bringing health care to places and to people who can't get it on their own. I can't do that unless I suck it up, tough it out, and work hard. I just never knew it would be so stressful. I find myself constantly praying for peace and for strength and the process has barely even started yet! If I'm struggling this much now I will definitely need to keep asking for these things if I'm going to make this happen. My anxiety has been a huge issue. I thought that I had it under control but it's come out so much in the past few months.

And not only is the job itself a big cause of stress, but basically every other aspect of my life right now is too. I've found myself in a job where I take care of people who can't care for themselves, and then I come home and I try and take care of room mates, and friends and everyone else who needs it. God has brought me to situations where I just have to throw up my hands to him and ask him to lift the burden from my heart. I can't fix the brokenness in the people around me but I can be a source of God's love and peace... but I HAVE to remember to take care of myself, and let others take care of me too. My whole life I have tried to do everything myself with no help from anybody, and I still find myself doing it. Even with my relationship with God. I say over and over "I'm fine... I can handle it" and then when it becomes to heavy I bring it to Him. I believe that he is really trying to show me how to include him always and not just when I can't handle it on my own. I know he is preparing me for things I will encounter down the road, and for that I am grateful. But it still doesn't make it any easier. I still find myself trying to be strong and trying not to burden others with my stresses, but I have to remember that God gave us each other for many reasons, and comfort and encouragement are just a few of those.

He is truly amazing.

Today is the day before tomorrow

It's been a while so I thought it might be time to update.. not that many people even read these but its nice to just release some thoughts here and there.

Things have been so up and down, but the one constant has of course been my Savior. That's something that I've been really holding onto these days, is that as often as things change, I will always have a steady force in my life, if I choose. I've been stressed with this job, and waiting to get certified (which is taking a month longer than it was supposed to), not seeing much of anyone because I work so much, missing my ministries, missing my family through these lonely holidays... but you know what... it doesn't even matter. I realize that I spend too much time wondering about how things would be if they were different that I miss out on what's right in front of me. I am blessed with a good secure job during these rough times, I can still continue with my ministries, just in different ways (my job in itself is its own ministry), my family will always be there for me- no matter how far away, and I have amazing friends who pick me up when I am down. God is so good to me yet I still look for the negative things in my life. I have this very special, encouraging friend at work who is always reminding me of what's important. The other day she shared with me a few things to help stay positive and the two that stuck out the most were to try not to complain about anything, and to not wish you were somewhere else doing something else. Just focusing on these small (or large, however you look at it) things through out the day has made a huge difference for me. Instead of waking up to an empty house in the morning feeling sorry for myself.. I get up, I do something, I clean and read the Bible, I stay busy. And instead of going to work feeling bitter or burnt out, I remember that I was put here for a reason, and God is using me. I sometimes forget just how much having a positive attitude affects my day. It's so easy to get upset and blame it on the things around me, when really It's all about how I choose to perceive things. It all comes down to personal choice, really. If I let the things and the people around me control my emotions then I will never truly find the inner joy that God has given me. So that is what I am focusing on right now... staying positive when things look bleak. God is blessing me... every day, and he is taking care of me.

Change

So much has changed.. and is changing. Why is change always so hard to accept? Is it because we're afraid of what it may bring about? That it might not be what we expect? That what comes will be worse than what was before? I think that's why we're so afraid of taking risks in life. We don't know what will happen, what to expect. People like things to be the same.

I've become somewhat of a recluse yet I'm going to be living in a 3 bedroom house with 5 girls (when I was ready to be living completely by myself), the last guy I dated is now married, I have a new puppy, my older brother is engaged, I have no money, I'm starting a new job soon, I'm attempting to build up broken relationships while others are falling apart, I'm unsure of who God wants me to be with or whether or not he wants me with anyone at all, I miss my family yet I know I'm needed here, I'm being stretched and challenged and some days I don't know if I can handle much more....

Change stinks.

But I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a tiny fraction of the tiny fraction that is my life on this earth. If my entire physical life is but a breath, than what is this small part of it? It will pass as quickly as it has come... and how do I want to remember it? That I was an emotional wreck because I didn't know what was going to happen? Or that I was at peace because I had faith? Peace is so hard for me... I lose it when there is a lot of unknown in my life.. and right now, there is a huge dark cloud of unknown looming above my head each and ever day, blocking my view of the sun that I know is there. I keep scrambling and reaching out trying to hold on to some sort of peace, but I think I just need to relax and let it wash over me. God is teaching me something. To calm down and let him handle it, maybe? I don't know... but not knowing is ok. I forget that sometimes. I try and control these things and I forget that God is in control. Completely. It's ok to fall because he's always waiting to catch us.

I just need to breath.. relax... and be patient, for things will change.. and eventually that change brings about peace.