What is love? (baby, don't hurt me)

A lot has happened since my last post! It seems like as soon we feel like things are going well, it all has to change. Things can't always work out the way we desire, I suppose. If things were perfect here than we wouldn't need to be here at all.

A good friend here was saying how he believes that we are here on this earth because of love. God is love, right? And we were created in his image.... well, what is love? 1 Cor 13 will give us a list. And many other places in the Bible talks about love as well... but specifically in 1 Cor we see that love is patient and kind and not rude or self-seeking.... how would we ever learn those things if we were never in a place that has time, or boundaries, or pain. If we were just created to be with God in Heaven and skipped this whole Earth thing, then we would never truly known and understand what his love for us really is. We would just be in this amazing place and not even appreciate it because we never suffered or felt pain or loved someone or needed God. He wants us to really know and feel and understand his love, and he wants us to teach it to everyone we encounter. It's a really beautiful concept if you sit and think about it for a while.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately, in every aspect. How to love someone who's wronged me. How to love my team. How to love the unlovables of this world. How God may or may not bless me with a spouse one day. It can all be very overwhelming at times... especially because the world has really twisted the meaning of the word love.
For example: A situation has come up recently that a person very close to me has been sinning against me in secret. It's been going on for a long time, and was found out on accident. The world would teach me to be angry and upset... to victimize myself and to make this person feel guilty and wrong and bad about themselves. And honestly, part of me wanted to.. a big part of me. But God teaches me to regard this person as family, help them to see they have a sin problem and love them despite the fact that I've been hurt. God loves this person, so incredibly much, it's the sin that he despises. Who am I, as a sinner, to hate this person for that when God loves ME so much as well.
I'm not saying that I wasn't hurt, and even angry at some points, but I know how important it is to fight to be loving... which isn't only an emotion, but mostly based on actions. I definitely think the 2 go hand-in-hand when it comes to love. We can say we feel love but if our actions don't show it then we aren't being loving. We can show it in our actions but not feel it at all in our hearts... which I don't think is wrong, necessarily but I don't think it's complete either. I still haven't figured it all out yet, but then, I don't think I ever will. The best I can do is strive to learn as much as I can before I leave this place.

I have been put in situations recently that I wouldn't have been able to handle the way I have been if it weren't for the things God has been showing me. I wonder how I would have reacted just a few short months ago, and I think the outcome would be very different. God tends to do that sometimes, doesn't he? I need to remember that I am continually learning new things and in no way should I ever feel I know enough.

We've been spending a lot of time with the homeless lately, and I feel like I have allowed myself to be filled with a feeling of contentment over that. Maybe a little bit pride as well. I don't want to ever feel like what I am doing is enough. I want to always be looking for opportunities and always be striving to serve more. I think I often get my fill of "good deeds" for a day and then settle back a little bit and miss opportunities because I'm too busy being proud of myself. I think some days I need God to shake me a little bit and remind me that there can ALWAYS be MORE done in this world. I've been praying for God to use me and shake up my world a bit and make me uncomfortable in my serving. It's a hard thing to ask and some days I'm not even sure if I'd be willing to to listen if he showed me, but I am hoping that I can ignore my selfishness and do what needs to be done.

I have a feeling that God is going to answer my prayers in some pretty strange ways.

I'm looking forward to it.

Ripples

It's amazing what God can do with the choices we make. 6 months ago I thought I was going to be in Brazil, and here I am in little ol' Grass Valley, California. I knew that I would be stretched here, and that I would grow and change but I never really understood how much. God has been doing amazing things, and I have been learning so incredibly much.

The team has been doing really well... we have been working hard to keep our focus on the important things and less on our own issues. It will never be perfect but if we keep our minds and hearts set on what's above than we will touch many lives here. Lately I've been praying for God to use me in any way possible, and he has been.

We have been volunteering at a place called the Hospitality House, hanging out with the homeless. We usually take turns on Sunday nights going downtown to the Catholic church where they stay overnight. I have grown to really care for some of the people there. There is one man in particular who has really touched my heart. His name is Paul and he is very unique indeed. Most of the homeless we encounter are either alcoholics, into drugs, or content with where they are- Paul is quite the opposite. He's looking into getting a job as a truck driver, and his faith in the Lord is so strong that it makes me reevaluate myself at times. He has been ignored, rejected, and looked down upon by so many people.. including (or more appropriately, ESPECIALLY) Christians, but he still searches for the good in people. This past Sunday night, my friend Leeland and I went to the church to hang out- and spent nearly 3 hours talking with Paul. Towards the end of our time together he said to us... "If I had eaten nothing at all today, and had no place to sleep tonight I would still feel filled because of talking to you". If that's not what this is all about then I don't know what is.
I'm finally beginning to learn what being a true disciple is all about. It's not about going to the church building every Sunday... or having small group on Tuesday, game night on Friday, and Bible studies in between. (Although all those things are very important and very necessary...). But it's about being Jesus to people, and recognizing Jesus in them. It's about loving the way God loves, and not the way society has taught us to. It's about sharing what we know through not only our words but especially our actions.

God has been so good to me, in so many ways... with the house I live in, the food I eat, the friends I have, even the shoes and socks on my feet. I take advantage of these things daily... when there are people like Paul who struggle to eat one meal each day. God is slowly opening my eyes to the need that's all around me, and I know that with the work that we are doing here, we are barely causing a ripple... but it's a start.

A new day

I was sitting on my couch the other night... enjoying a nice candlelit evening with my roommates (sounds a little weird, I know..) It was around midnight when Jon walked in with Kelli- they had been hanging out- and 2 strange figures... one much shorter than the other. It was dark and I was really confused, wondering who these crazy people Jon had brought with him, and then he turned the light on. I was pretty shocked and very, very happy to see my sister and my niece... who should have been 3000 miles across the country... standing in the doorway. I jumped, I cried, I smiled from ear to ear, and I almost fainted with delight. It was just what I needed. It was common knowledge to everyone else in my life that they would be there... but I had no clue. They only stayed for a few days, but it was pretty special. I got to show them a little bit of the town and some of what I've been doing here. It was just really encouraging to have family here... there was a sense of relief and comfort I haven't really felt in a long time. I was sad to send them off on Monday, but excited because I get to go home next week. I will be with my family for two whole weeks.... and this couldn't be a more perfect time to go. Things are kind of rough back home- with the house having major water damage, and not being able to have a real traditional Christmas because of it, and my oldest sister moving to Germany soon, and Sue being sick. I have been homesick for a while and I am really looking forward to being with my loved ones again. I will have to make the best of it knowing that it will most likely be a while before I will be able to be home with them again.

It was really nice to have Mary and Kiera around for some of the things we had going on. They got to be here for game night, and then we had a ladie's day on Saturday and that night 2 of the younger girls stayed over. My niece, Kiera got along with them really well and they had a lot of fun together. I'm hoping one day to convince my sister to move out here and join the work that's going on.




It's been intense here lately. A lot of small issues being turned into large ones. mostly coming from feelings of being useless. It's been tough some days knowing that there are so many things that we could be doing that we aren't. So we decided that we need to just make things happen.. no more waiting around for things to come to us. So we did. We got applications for the Big Brother/Big sister program, and also for a food ministry that is literally yards from our house. We also got in touch with a house here that takes in the homeless during the day and brings them to different churches each night to get out of the cold. Jo and I went today and spent the day getting to know the job and the people there. Our biggest work is to spend time with the people that come there. There was a family there that we had helped in the past, by bringing them food at another place they were staying. It was a really pleasant surprise to see them there. Just the other day we went by where they used to stay to see them and they weren't there.. and we had no way of finding them. They have a 13 year old son, and we got to spend some time catching up with them. I think I had forgotten how important it is to put other people before myself. For a little while I was getting really caught up in team drama, and my own little dramas that I was losing what I was really here for. It was nice to be reminded of the important things in life. It's amazing how God opens our eyes sometimes, whether we are asking for it or not. He has really been showing me a lot lately, and I'm looking forward to see what happens in the future here.

So, we've been trying to keep busy here. It's tough sometimes since our car still isn't fixed, but with Jon's car we manage. This past weekend we had our college retreat. It was really good. I got to spend time with people that I've really been wanting to get to know better... so that's always good.

I've been praying for God to give me opportunities here, and He's really been answering them. I went this morning with a friend to spend time with some ladies she works with. None of them are Christians, but they're pretty open to the idea. They usually get some food and then take a walk on the trails by Empire Mines. I had some good conversations with some of them, and I plan on tagging along the next time they get together.

I'm also going with Jon to a Bible study he goes to every week in Citrus Heights. It will be nice to spend time with people other than the team... and the church here. Not that I don't love spending time with all of them, but I've really been feeling the need to branch out more, so it will be nice.

Hopefully this week we will stay pretty busy... God will open doors for us, as long as we ask.

A little update.

So things here have been all right.

California rocks my socks.

It's been challenging lately. I feel like I haven't been able to connect with certain people and there are some problems within the team. Silly things that we need to get over. Other than that things are well. I was having a tough few days, but as I was driving today I decided to shut off my music and talk to God instead. It was pretty amazing. Sometimes I forget that God just wants me to talk to Him, even if I don't have something specific to say. I just have to remember why I'm here, and focus on that. I'm not here for my team (although they are my support system) and I am definitely not here for myself (although I am growing and changing throughout this process)... but I am here for God, and for others. Although I've been feeling somewhat ineffective lately... I've been able to see lives we've affected, even in small ways. I just need to keep my eyes on what's important, and remember that I'm not here for myself.

Beautifully Flawed.

So I decided I hadn't spent real time with God in a while... so I lit some candles and turned off the lights and lay on the floor.

I have been so humbled lately. God does so much for me and sometimes all I can do is complain and ask for more. I have more than what I need. Much more. I have been blessed with an amazing team, and recently a car to drive and a house to live in. I've been blessed with a beautiful church family and an amazing opportunity to serve Him. Why would I want anything else? I can't believe how much my life has changed since I've been here. I already feel as though God has done so much for me, yet I know He's going to do so much more.

I have really been asking God to show me how to understand His love, and He's opened my eyes in such a way I never imagined. I am, for the first time in my life, really feeling loved by God. I have been able to truly love those around me, knowing that if I can't love the people around me, then how can I claim to love God? People are God... he lives in us. By hating others I hate God. It's such a beautiful thing. Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. An action. Love is creation. Love is the Cross. Love is everything in between.

Love just is.

We are a flawed people, and God knew when He created man that most of humanity at one point or another would turn against Him. He created us anyway because He desired to be loved in return. He took the biggest risk, knowing what people would do to him. I can't say I would have done the same. The least I can do is try my hardest, every single day, to love the way He loves me.

That's all He asks, really.