Things around here have been... good. Challenging, but good. I feel as though I have been learning so much. About myself and about others and about God's character. I can be so blind sometimes with what I think is right that I don't see how things really are.. and I've been seeing that lately as well. I can be so hard headed sometimes! But God is using that and he is teaching me.
It's been tough in a lot of ways... with different relationships and team conflict and internal struggles. But I have been joyful, and eager to grow. I have had some beautiful moments with God lately. I've been asking to be led by the Spirit and I've been feeling myself struggle between my desires and the Spirit inside me. I wonder if that's a little bit what Abraham felt like when he wrestled with God. I read in Acts how Paul and the others were led by the Spirit. how Philip was driven by the Spirit to do things he didn't necessarily choose on his own. That's what I want to feel. I want to be so filled with the Spirit that I can't even see myself anymore. That thought scared me at first, but I realize that it's one of the most beautiful things about our relationship with God. We can be so intertwined with him that we ARE him, in a way.
The other night, I started thinking about my niece back home and about my family and about all of the things that I am missing out on. I began feeling pain for those I love... for those around me that are hurting and I was deeply moved. I felt like the Spirit was trying to lead me and take control of my heart. I cried a lot. The tears came from no where, and I spent a lot of time in prayer. I was feeling ashamed of not living more on fire for God... and I was sad for the world that I am sometimes too scared to share Jesus with.
A friend shared a really helpful verse with me that night. Psalm 51:15-17.
"O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise"
And also: Romans 12:9
"But he said to me,'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me"
I was really encouraged by these verses to stop trying so hard to be perfect and to do things the right way. That's not what this life is about. God wants our efforts and our minds, but most of all he desires our hearts. He calls us to love and shine and just BE. (Isaiah 58:6 and on, explain it perfectly). We don't have to get it all "right" all the time.
I need to shed my fears and shout His name from the mountaintops, whisper it in the fields, and share it in my actions. I need to look at each person as though they are Jesus... I need to love fully and completely and not love based on how I am treated or on what I think is "right". I've seen lately just how biased and unfair I can be at times.
I want my love to know no boundaries.
And I don't want to be afraid of it's power anymore.
I need to shed my fears and shout His name from the mountaintops, whisper it in the fields, and share it in my actions. I need to look at each person as though they are Jesus... I need to love fully and completely and not love based on how I am treated or on what I think is "right". I've seen lately just how biased and unfair I can be at times.
I want my love to know no boundaries.
And I don't want to be afraid of it's power anymore.
1 comment:
It's so hard and challenging to love like that all the time. I'm glad that God sees a genuine heart and knows that we hurt when we hurt him. If it means anything to you: you are a great encouragement to me Ann. I'm really glad to have you here =)
Phil
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