God's pretty good at rocking my world. I've recently been realizing that a lot of my friendships here are almost entirely one way... and it's mainly my own fault. I still have problems opening up completely to people... at least about certain things. I'm perfectly ok with listening to someone's problems, being a shoulder to cry on, or just being available to vent to. When it comes to myself, however, there aren't too many people in my life I go to for all those things. It's easy for me to be open about my anger or my frustrations... that's pretty much how I get out all my emotions... but sadness and a hurt heart I tend to keep to myself. I usually handle these emotions in a very private way... hiding from the world until I feel I have dealt with it (notice all the "I"s in this sentence... not a very good start) After making this realization, I began to try and make changes with some friendships. Sharing my sadness and just trying to be more open. More vulnerable.
We spent the weekend at a youth rally in Oregon, and I decided from the start that I wasn't going to think too much... just act. Surprisingly... it worked pretty well (although as a kid I used to get in a lot of trouble for not thinking before I acted... glad it's finally paying off!!) I got pretty close to some kids and I didn't find myself constantly worried about what people were thinking of me. The rally is called Rally on the Rock, and this years theme was "A God that rocks". Eli-our coordinator and the preacher here (for those of you who don't know this already)- spoke about a God that rocks people, places and things. He used Acts to show how God shakes things up for us quite often. With Paul for example; blinding him for three days and leaving him with only his dark memories of the persecutions he led... and then becoming one of the most influential and powerful Christians this earth has ever seen. So needless to say, the weekend was absolutely incredible and uplifting.
Over this last week two of my absolute closest friendships were on the line. One, now fixed (and doing very well, I might add) and the other is not doing so well. Not even hours after we got back to Grass Valley... I found out a good friend of mine is ready to give up on our friendship because of gossip. She decided that it was too stressful to confront me about it so it was just easier to give up and "not deal with it". She won't speak to me.. when she comes by the house she barely looks at me... and she won't listen when I try to apologize or explain the truth to her. Now... in the past, I would have written her off, put up my walls, and not even given it a second thought. But now... that just days before I was asking God to make me a better friend... I realized that I have to behave differently than what my instincts and my defensive side are saying. This girl is someone that I've been trying to be a mentor too, which could only be done through being a friend, first. I spent a good amount of time with her nearly ever single day. I could easily retaliate with harsh words and anger... but what would that show her? I don't want to be just another person in her life that's given up on her when things aren't so great. I guess I've never realized before how much my actions really do affect other people. From the tiniest things I say to the great statements I make with my lifestyles and actions. I want to be someone who's not afraid to be vulnerable in relationships.
Now, I know that these small things aren't life changing or earth shattering... and they certainly aren't comparable to Paul's story. But it's personal... and God is rocking my world through it. I'm seeing now that when it comes to fight or flight... I'm usually more apt to take flight... but I want to change that in myself. I want to be that person who will fight for the things I believe are right and true. Whether that's my relationships or my faith in God.
In some ways, I've been feeling a little lonely. Like there are so many people around me.. and amazing people at that... but I'm just not sure how to turn those good friendships into deep bonds. However, this feeling has been pushing me closer to God, and making me realize that I am never alone. And even if I have zero friends in this world, than I can be content with that. Because really.. when it comes down to it... what is the point of worrying and stressing so much over these earthly things. I'm not trying to say that our relationships on this earth aren't important.. because I think they're one of the most important things we are given in this life... but in the end, when I look back... do I want to remember all the worries and the stresses and the fears? Or do I want to remember the faith that I had in God to take care of it all for me.
Maybe we should all let God rock our worlds a little more often.
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