So much has changed.. and is changing. Why is change always so hard to accept? Is it because we're afraid of what it may bring about? That it might not be what we expect? That what comes will be worse than what was before? I think that's why we're so afraid of taking risks in life. We don't know what will happen, what to expect. People like things to be the same.
I've become somewhat of a recluse yet I'm going to be living in a 3 bedroom house with 5 girls (when I was ready to be living completely by myself), the last guy I dated is now married, I have a new puppy, my older brother is engaged, I have no money, I'm starting a new job soon, I'm attempting to build up broken relationships while others are falling apart, I'm unsure of who God wants me to be with or whether or not he wants me with anyone at all, I miss my family yet I know I'm needed here, I'm being stretched and challenged and some days I don't know if I can handle much more....
Change stinks.
But I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a tiny fraction of the tiny fraction that is my life on this earth. If my entire physical life is but a breath, than what is this small part of it? It will pass as quickly as it has come... and how do I want to remember it? That I was an emotional wreck because I didn't know what was going to happen? Or that I was at peace because I had faith? Peace is so hard for me... I lose it when there is a lot of unknown in my life.. and right now, there is a huge dark cloud of unknown looming above my head each and ever day, blocking my view of the sun that I know is there. I keep scrambling and reaching out trying to hold on to some sort of peace, but I think I just need to relax and let it wash over me. God is teaching me something. To calm down and let him handle it, maybe? I don't know... but not knowing is ok. I forget that sometimes. I try and control these things and I forget that God is in control. Completely. It's ok to fall because he's always waiting to catch us.
I just need to breath.. relax... and be patient, for things will change.. and eventually that change brings about peace.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
True Love
I wish I could describe how God has been internally changing me. I've been praying to be able to live by the Spirit.. to be confident in my salvation.. to worry less and love more. And, man.. has God been answering my prayers in incredible ways. I don't think I've ever felt more on fire. More alive. It's a beautiful thing to realize that I don't have to try to be perfect.. and to really feel that God loves me even when I mess up... or especially when I mess up. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 tells us that God's grace is enough for us! And that his power is made perfect in our weakness. Paul then says that he is content with his weaknesses and hardships and trials. "For when I am weak, I am strong". I have only recently began to really understand what he meant by that. I only pray that it continues and grows. God is so good.. I can't say it enough.
So this has been a pretty busy summer for me. A week in Mexico, and then straight to Oklahoma to spend time with an amazing family I know, and also to work at a camp there. 2 days after I got back to California, I drove up with a friend to Tahoe for the annual Tahoe Family Encampment.
It's a beautiful place(this is a picture of a waterfall we spent an afternoon at) and I had a really good time but I was so burnt out that I came back early to have some time alone. I spent some time outside in the hammock.. looking up at the trees and talking to God.. praying about the future.. about the unknown.. It's been splendid.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about a homeless man named Chips that I've grown to care for. My first day back, in between Oklahoma and Tahoe I saw him at the Salvation Army. He was sitting on a couch by the door with a smile on his face. In my overwhelming busy state I almost didn't stop to talk to him, but boy was I glad I did. He told me that he hasn't been by the House in a while.. that he had been in the hospital. He apparently had several minor strokes in a short time and had lost a lot of weight. I was amazed to see him doing so well and remaining so positive after going through something like that. I was happy to run into him since I'm not sure when I will see him again. That's been the hardest part about the ministry. I'm not sure when I will see some of them next. It may be days or months and even some I may never see again. Their lives are ever-changing and so is mine, but the beautiful thing is that lives are being touched.. mine, and I hope also theirs. God is constantly touching my heart with the people around me. I used to question God about why he didn't show himself to me personally.. why he didn't speak to me in a booming voice or come to me in a vision.... and it's been hitting me hard that He does, every single day, using the people in my life. He uses them to comfort me, to encourage me, to teach me lessons about love and patience and kindness. He uses them to show me himself, and it's beautiful.
I thank God for all that he's been teaching me, and all he's been doing for me, and I hope he continues to bless me, and all of you, as well!
So this has been a pretty busy summer for me. A week in Mexico, and then straight to Oklahoma to spend time with an amazing family I know, and also to work at a camp there. 2 days after I got back to California, I drove up with a friend to Tahoe for the annual Tahoe Family Encampment.
It's a beautiful place(this is a picture of a waterfall we spent an afternoon at) and I had a really good time but I was so burnt out that I came back early to have some time alone. I spent some time outside in the hammock.. looking up at the trees and talking to God.. praying about the future.. about the unknown.. It's been splendid.
In one of my previous posts, I talked about a homeless man named Chips that I've grown to care for. My first day back, in between Oklahoma and Tahoe I saw him at the Salvation Army. He was sitting on a couch by the door with a smile on his face. In my overwhelming busy state I almost didn't stop to talk to him, but boy was I glad I did. He told me that he hasn't been by the House in a while.. that he had been in the hospital. He apparently had several minor strokes in a short time and had lost a lot of weight. I was amazed to see him doing so well and remaining so positive after going through something like that. I was happy to run into him since I'm not sure when I will see him again. That's been the hardest part about the ministry. I'm not sure when I will see some of them next. It may be days or months and even some I may never see again. Their lives are ever-changing and so is mine, but the beautiful thing is that lives are being touched.. mine, and I hope also theirs. God is constantly touching my heart with the people around me. I used to question God about why he didn't show himself to me personally.. why he didn't speak to me in a booming voice or come to me in a vision.... and it's been hitting me hard that He does, every single day, using the people in my life. He uses them to comfort me, to encourage me, to teach me lessons about love and patience and kindness. He uses them to show me himself, and it's beautiful.
I thank God for all that he's been teaching me, and all he's been doing for me, and I hope he continues to bless me, and all of you, as well!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Like a rock (and I'm not talking about the trucks!!)
God's pretty good at rocking my world. I've recently been realizing that a lot of my friendships here are almost entirely one way... and it's mainly my own fault. I still have problems opening up completely to people... at least about certain things. I'm perfectly ok with listening to someone's problems, being a shoulder to cry on, or just being available to vent to. When it comes to myself, however, there aren't too many people in my life I go to for all those things. It's easy for me to be open about my anger or my frustrations... that's pretty much how I get out all my emotions... but sadness and a hurt heart I tend to keep to myself. I usually handle these emotions in a very private way... hiding from the world until I feel I have dealt with it (notice all the "I"s in this sentence... not a very good start) After making this realization, I began to try and make changes with some friendships. Sharing my sadness and just trying to be more open. More vulnerable.
We spent the weekend at a youth rally in Oregon, and I decided from the start that I wasn't going to think too much... just act. Surprisingly... it worked pretty well (although as a kid I used to get in a lot of trouble for not thinking before I acted... glad it's finally paying off!!) I got pretty close to some kids and I didn't find myself constantly worried about what people were thinking of me. The rally is called Rally on the Rock, and this years theme was "A God that rocks". Eli-our coordinator and the preacher here (for those of you who don't know this already)- spoke about a God that rocks people, places and things. He used Acts to show how God shakes things up for us quite often. With Paul for example; blinding him for three days and leaving him with only his dark memories of the persecutions he led... and then becoming one of the most influential and powerful Christians this earth has ever seen. So needless to say, the weekend was absolutely incredible and uplifting.
Over this last week two of my absolute closest friendships were on the line. One, now fixed (and doing very well, I might add) and the other is not doing so well. Not even hours after we got back to Grass Valley... I found out a good friend of mine is ready to give up on our friendship because of gossip. She decided that it was too stressful to confront me about it so it was just easier to give up and "not deal with it". She won't speak to me.. when she comes by the house she barely looks at me... and she won't listen when I try to apologize or explain the truth to her. Now... in the past, I would have written her off, put up my walls, and not even given it a second thought. But now... that just days before I was asking God to make me a better friend... I realized that I have to behave differently than what my instincts and my defensive side are saying. This girl is someone that I've been trying to be a mentor too, which could only be done through being a friend, first. I spent a good amount of time with her nearly ever single day. I could easily retaliate with harsh words and anger... but what would that show her? I don't want to be just another person in her life that's given up on her when things aren't so great. I guess I've never realized before how much my actions really do affect other people. From the tiniest things I say to the great statements I make with my lifestyles and actions. I want to be someone who's not afraid to be vulnerable in relationships.
Now, I know that these small things aren't life changing or earth shattering... and they certainly aren't comparable to Paul's story. But it's personal... and God is rocking my world through it. I'm seeing now that when it comes to fight or flight... I'm usually more apt to take flight... but I want to change that in myself. I want to be that person who will fight for the things I believe are right and true. Whether that's my relationships or my faith in God.
In some ways, I've been feeling a little lonely. Like there are so many people around me.. and amazing people at that... but I'm just not sure how to turn those good friendships into deep bonds. However, this feeling has been pushing me closer to God, and making me realize that I am never alone. And even if I have zero friends in this world, than I can be content with that. Because really.. when it comes down to it... what is the point of worrying and stressing so much over these earthly things. I'm not trying to say that our relationships on this earth aren't important.. because I think they're one of the most important things we are given in this life... but in the end, when I look back... do I want to remember all the worries and the stresses and the fears? Or do I want to remember the faith that I had in God to take care of it all for me.
Maybe we should all let God rock our worlds a little more often.
We spent the weekend at a youth rally in Oregon, and I decided from the start that I wasn't going to think too much... just act. Surprisingly... it worked pretty well (although as a kid I used to get in a lot of trouble for not thinking before I acted... glad it's finally paying off!!) I got pretty close to some kids and I didn't find myself constantly worried about what people were thinking of me. The rally is called Rally on the Rock, and this years theme was "A God that rocks". Eli-our coordinator and the preacher here (for those of you who don't know this already)- spoke about a God that rocks people, places and things. He used Acts to show how God shakes things up for us quite often. With Paul for example; blinding him for three days and leaving him with only his dark memories of the persecutions he led... and then becoming one of the most influential and powerful Christians this earth has ever seen. So needless to say, the weekend was absolutely incredible and uplifting.
Over this last week two of my absolute closest friendships were on the line. One, now fixed (and doing very well, I might add) and the other is not doing so well. Not even hours after we got back to Grass Valley... I found out a good friend of mine is ready to give up on our friendship because of gossip. She decided that it was too stressful to confront me about it so it was just easier to give up and "not deal with it". She won't speak to me.. when she comes by the house she barely looks at me... and she won't listen when I try to apologize or explain the truth to her. Now... in the past, I would have written her off, put up my walls, and not even given it a second thought. But now... that just days before I was asking God to make me a better friend... I realized that I have to behave differently than what my instincts and my defensive side are saying. This girl is someone that I've been trying to be a mentor too, which could only be done through being a friend, first. I spent a good amount of time with her nearly ever single day. I could easily retaliate with harsh words and anger... but what would that show her? I don't want to be just another person in her life that's given up on her when things aren't so great. I guess I've never realized before how much my actions really do affect other people. From the tiniest things I say to the great statements I make with my lifestyles and actions. I want to be someone who's not afraid to be vulnerable in relationships.
Now, I know that these small things aren't life changing or earth shattering... and they certainly aren't comparable to Paul's story. But it's personal... and God is rocking my world through it. I'm seeing now that when it comes to fight or flight... I'm usually more apt to take flight... but I want to change that in myself. I want to be that person who will fight for the things I believe are right and true. Whether that's my relationships or my faith in God.
In some ways, I've been feeling a little lonely. Like there are so many people around me.. and amazing people at that... but I'm just not sure how to turn those good friendships into deep bonds. However, this feeling has been pushing me closer to God, and making me realize that I am never alone. And even if I have zero friends in this world, than I can be content with that. Because really.. when it comes down to it... what is the point of worrying and stressing so much over these earthly things. I'm not trying to say that our relationships on this earth aren't important.. because I think they're one of the most important things we are given in this life... but in the end, when I look back... do I want to remember all the worries and the stresses and the fears? Or do I want to remember the faith that I had in God to take care of it all for me.
Maybe we should all let God rock our worlds a little more often.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Jesus was homeless
One of my favorite things here is when I get to spend time with the homeless. It has always been something I've desired to do, but I never realized how much it would open my eyes to different things.
I have grown to really care for these people that I have spent so much time with. It's not always easy, but I have realized that one thing that they all (well.. every human being) have in common is that they want to be acknowledged and treated with respect just like any other person. Some of them even put on a facade with people and don't show their true selfs until they see that they are actually cared for.
There's this older man named Chips who every time he sees us he cracks a joke or shows us a little trick with some coins. I wasn't even sure if he was "all there" or not, but I always really enjoyed seeing him. On Sunday night I was playing Sudoku and he came over to make fun of me (like usual). I ended up tearing out a page for him, and he sat down and started showing me little puzzles and tricks. After a while of that, he started talking about God and about how even though he's alone he's not lonely because God is always there with him. He went on to say that homeless people just want to be treated like people. They just want to be acknowledge on the streets... to be said hello to... to be seen as human beings just like everyone else. It was the first time Chips had opened up to us like that. He gave me some of the best advice you could give a person- and asked that if we were to pass on anything it would be this; to live each moment to the fullest and not to be anxious for the future or because of the past because you never know which second could be your last. I felt like God was speaking to me through this crazy 9-fingered old man. This man that most people don't give the time of day to just because he lives on the streets. It's heartbreaking to see that these children of God are treated less than human because of where they live. I'm guilty of it too.. of passing judgment on someone I see in the streets just because they are dirty and push a shopping cart around. I don't know their story until I know them, and I have spent time with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and have shared some beautiful moments with them. Like reading the Bible with Brandon, and hearing Stephen's stories, and playing the guitar with Paul.
They're pretty special people, and I have been so blessed to get to spend so much time with them. I hope that whoever is reading this gets a little better look into the soul of some of God's most beautiful children... and the next time you pass someone in the streets that you normally wouldn't even think twice about.. say hello, give them a smile, maybe even take some time out of your busy schedule to stop and see how they are doing.
And remember.... Jesus was homeless too.
I have grown to really care for these people that I have spent so much time with. It's not always easy, but I have realized that one thing that they all (well.. every human being) have in common is that they want to be acknowledged and treated with respect just like any other person. Some of them even put on a facade with people and don't show their true selfs until they see that they are actually cared for.
There's this older man named Chips who every time he sees us he cracks a joke or shows us a little trick with some coins. I wasn't even sure if he was "all there" or not, but I always really enjoyed seeing him. On Sunday night I was playing Sudoku and he came over to make fun of me (like usual). I ended up tearing out a page for him, and he sat down and started showing me little puzzles and tricks. After a while of that, he started talking about God and about how even though he's alone he's not lonely because God is always there with him. He went on to say that homeless people just want to be treated like people. They just want to be acknowledge on the streets... to be said hello to... to be seen as human beings just like everyone else. It was the first time Chips had opened up to us like that. He gave me some of the best advice you could give a person- and asked that if we were to pass on anything it would be this; to live each moment to the fullest and not to be anxious for the future or because of the past because you never know which second could be your last. I felt like God was speaking to me through this crazy 9-fingered old man. This man that most people don't give the time of day to just because he lives on the streets. It's heartbreaking to see that these children of God are treated less than human because of where they live. I'm guilty of it too.. of passing judgment on someone I see in the streets just because they are dirty and push a shopping cart around. I don't know their story until I know them, and I have spent time with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and have shared some beautiful moments with them. Like reading the Bible with Brandon, and hearing Stephen's stories, and playing the guitar with Paul.
They're pretty special people, and I have been so blessed to get to spend so much time with them. I hope that whoever is reading this gets a little better look into the soul of some of God's most beautiful children... and the next time you pass someone in the streets that you normally wouldn't even think twice about.. say hello, give them a smile, maybe even take some time out of your busy schedule to stop and see how they are doing.
And remember.... Jesus was homeless too.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thoughts
I've realized something recently... and maybe I've already known this, or maybe I will forget and have to learn it all over again in the future, or maybe I'm just the last person alive to figure this out.
My emotions don't define who I am. If I am feeling low and feeling bad about myself, that doesn't always mean it's true. God defines who I am. I sometimes get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see myself, or anyone else, through God's eyes. Just because one day I feel low, and the next I feel fantastic... it doesn't mean that I was worse off the day before, or better off on the "good" day. If I can hold on to that, then maybe I won't let my emotions rule my life so much.
I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions. God gave us every emotion we feel... and I think life would be pretty bland with out them, don't you? But if we can start listening more to what God says, and less to what we say... wouldn't that make life a little better for everyone?
This past week was a little tough for me. I was fed up with the drama here and tired of dealing with it, so I spent a lot of time distancing myself from most people. I started to wonder what I was doing here and if I was even affecting anyones life in a positive way, or if I was just adding to the drama. I was being really hard on myself, and I knew it. And then I read Jonah, and noticed something I never thought of before. God could have sent ANYONE to Nineveh... but he chose Jonah. Jonah was hard-headed, scared, stubborn... he even tried to run away from God! God could have easily sent down a legion of angels to get Nineveh to change... but I don't think that's the lesson here. God taught Jonah a whole lot, he used him for good, but he also taught him some pretty valuable lessons along the way. It's funny to me that in chapter 4 when Jonah is praying to God out of his anger, he says "For I KNEW that you are a gracious and compassionate God... slow to anger and abundant in love!" He even asks God to take his life. Jonah knows this about God yet he does exactly the opposite. Gets angry at God at the drop of a hat. At the end of the book, God does something that I find pretty amazing. Jonah is sitting in the desert and God gives him a plant to shade him from the sun and "deliver him from his discomfort.. and Jonah was extremely happy". Then he sends a worm to chew and wither the plant, and after that appoints a "scorching east wind.... he became faint and begged with all his soul to die". God compares Jonahs compassion on the plant (which he didn't work for) to God's own compassion for the city of Nineveh (full of individuals that he loves and cares for). I think that we can all relate to Jonah in some ways. God gives and God takes away. Who are we to be angry with God for what we didn't even work for ourselves? Such proud people we are! And who are we to try and run from God? Such scared and fearful people we are! And who are we to not trust God when he sends us somewhere?... I used to wonder why Jonah made the decisions he made. Why he was so angry with God... and now I see that I'm more like Jonah than I used to think.
God is omnipotent... omniscient... and I am but a tiny clueless speck in this massive universe. Why would I rely on anyone but him? Especially on myself.
God is using me here... and this is where I need to focus all of my energy and all of my mind and heart.
My emotions don't define who I am. If I am feeling low and feeling bad about myself, that doesn't always mean it's true. God defines who I am. I sometimes get so caught up in my emotions that I can't see myself, or anyone else, through God's eyes. Just because one day I feel low, and the next I feel fantastic... it doesn't mean that I was worse off the day before, or better off on the "good" day. If I can hold on to that, then maybe I won't let my emotions rule my life so much.
I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions. God gave us every emotion we feel... and I think life would be pretty bland with out them, don't you? But if we can start listening more to what God says, and less to what we say... wouldn't that make life a little better for everyone?
This past week was a little tough for me. I was fed up with the drama here and tired of dealing with it, so I spent a lot of time distancing myself from most people. I started to wonder what I was doing here and if I was even affecting anyones life in a positive way, or if I was just adding to the drama. I was being really hard on myself, and I knew it. And then I read Jonah, and noticed something I never thought of before. God could have sent ANYONE to Nineveh... but he chose Jonah. Jonah was hard-headed, scared, stubborn... he even tried to run away from God! God could have easily sent down a legion of angels to get Nineveh to change... but I don't think that's the lesson here. God taught Jonah a whole lot, he used him for good, but he also taught him some pretty valuable lessons along the way. It's funny to me that in chapter 4 when Jonah is praying to God out of his anger, he says "For I KNEW that you are a gracious and compassionate God... slow to anger and abundant in love!" He even asks God to take his life. Jonah knows this about God yet he does exactly the opposite. Gets angry at God at the drop of a hat. At the end of the book, God does something that I find pretty amazing. Jonah is sitting in the desert and God gives him a plant to shade him from the sun and "deliver him from his discomfort.. and Jonah was extremely happy". Then he sends a worm to chew and wither the plant, and after that appoints a "scorching east wind.... he became faint and begged with all his soul to die". God compares Jonahs compassion on the plant (which he didn't work for) to God's own compassion for the city of Nineveh (full of individuals that he loves and cares for). I think that we can all relate to Jonah in some ways. God gives and God takes away. Who are we to be angry with God for what we didn't even work for ourselves? Such proud people we are! And who are we to try and run from God? Such scared and fearful people we are! And who are we to not trust God when he sends us somewhere?... I used to wonder why Jonah made the decisions he made. Why he was so angry with God... and now I see that I'm more like Jonah than I used to think.
God is omnipotent... omniscient... and I am but a tiny clueless speck in this massive universe. Why would I rely on anyone but him? Especially on myself.
God is using me here... and this is where I need to focus all of my energy and all of my mind and heart.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Take a look!
I thought maybe it was a good time to put up some pictures from the past few months. So here they are!
My teammate Amber at a college retreat we went on
My teammate Amber at a college retreat we went on
Snowing!!
Justina and Katie. 2 of the girls we baby-sit
On our way back from Texas we stopped at these beautiful falls in AZ to hike and enjoy God's beauty
On our way to Texas for Camp Adventure. Two of my teammates; Logan and Kelli
Amber M. and I on the way to TexasA babbling brook (that'd be me)
I don't have any fancy words and thought out "lessons" to share... but I just felt like writing. I'm not even sure what about.
Things around here have been... good. Challenging, but good. I feel as though I have been learning so much. About myself and about others and about God's character. I can be so blind sometimes with what I think is right that I don't see how things really are.. and I've been seeing that lately as well. I can be so hard headed sometimes! But God is using that and he is teaching me.
It's been tough in a lot of ways... with different relationships and team conflict and internal struggles. But I have been joyful, and eager to grow. I have had some beautiful moments with God lately. I've been asking to be led by the Spirit and I've been feeling myself struggle between my desires and the Spirit inside me. I wonder if that's a little bit what Abraham felt like when he wrestled with God. I read in Acts how Paul and the others were led by the Spirit. how Philip was driven by the Spirit to do things he didn't necessarily choose on his own. That's what I want to feel. I want to be so filled with the Spirit that I can't even see myself anymore. That thought scared me at first, but I realize that it's one of the most beautiful things about our relationship with God. We can be so intertwined with him that we ARE him, in a way.
The other night, I started thinking about my niece back home and about my family and about all of the things that I am missing out on. I began feeling pain for those I love... for those around me that are hurting and I was deeply moved. I felt like the Spirit was trying to lead me and take control of my heart. I cried a lot. The tears came from no where, and I spent a lot of time in prayer. I was feeling ashamed of not living more on fire for God... and I was sad for the world that I am sometimes too scared to share Jesus with.
A friend shared a really helpful verse with me that night. Psalm 51:15-17.
Things around here have been... good. Challenging, but good. I feel as though I have been learning so much. About myself and about others and about God's character. I can be so blind sometimes with what I think is right that I don't see how things really are.. and I've been seeing that lately as well. I can be so hard headed sometimes! But God is using that and he is teaching me.
It's been tough in a lot of ways... with different relationships and team conflict and internal struggles. But I have been joyful, and eager to grow. I have had some beautiful moments with God lately. I've been asking to be led by the Spirit and I've been feeling myself struggle between my desires and the Spirit inside me. I wonder if that's a little bit what Abraham felt like when he wrestled with God. I read in Acts how Paul and the others were led by the Spirit. how Philip was driven by the Spirit to do things he didn't necessarily choose on his own. That's what I want to feel. I want to be so filled with the Spirit that I can't even see myself anymore. That thought scared me at first, but I realize that it's one of the most beautiful things about our relationship with God. We can be so intertwined with him that we ARE him, in a way.
The other night, I started thinking about my niece back home and about my family and about all of the things that I am missing out on. I began feeling pain for those I love... for those around me that are hurting and I was deeply moved. I felt like the Spirit was trying to lead me and take control of my heart. I cried a lot. The tears came from no where, and I spent a lot of time in prayer. I was feeling ashamed of not living more on fire for God... and I was sad for the world that I am sometimes too scared to share Jesus with.
A friend shared a really helpful verse with me that night. Psalm 51:15-17.
"O Lord, open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise"
And also: Romans 12:9
"But he said to me,'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me"
I was really encouraged by these verses to stop trying so hard to be perfect and to do things the right way. That's not what this life is about. God wants our efforts and our minds, but most of all he desires our hearts. He calls us to love and shine and just BE. (Isaiah 58:6 and on, explain it perfectly). We don't have to get it all "right" all the time.
I need to shed my fears and shout His name from the mountaintops, whisper it in the fields, and share it in my actions. I need to look at each person as though they are Jesus... I need to love fully and completely and not love based on how I am treated or on what I think is "right". I've seen lately just how biased and unfair I can be at times.
I want my love to know no boundaries.
And I don't want to be afraid of it's power anymore.
I need to shed my fears and shout His name from the mountaintops, whisper it in the fields, and share it in my actions. I need to look at each person as though they are Jesus... I need to love fully and completely and not love based on how I am treated or on what I think is "right". I've seen lately just how biased and unfair I can be at times.
I want my love to know no boundaries.
And I don't want to be afraid of it's power anymore.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Righteous Anger?
Well here we go again; Another day, another life lesson to be learned.
This week's lesson: Anger.
Is there such thing as righteous anger? I used to think that anger was always negative all the time, but in getting to know God better I'm seeing that that obviously isn't true. Look at Jeremiah. Look at Exodus. And of course, look at Jesus in the temple. In Matthew 21 it says that Jesus overturned tables and drove out all who were buying and selling there. When Jesus says "My house is a house of prayer but you have made it a den of robbers"... I picture him with fire in his eyes. Anger turning his face red. His fists clenching. I don't picture Jesus serenely and calmly saying this to the people there. He was angry!
On the other side of it, we are told not to sin in our anger. Ephesians 4:27 says "and do not give the devil a foothold".. and this just after Paul tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.
With all that said, am I justified in being angry at a group of people who are purposefully and negatively trying to split up our group because of a few small disagreements? Paul dedicates a whole section of his letter to the Ephesians on unity in the church, and how there is one Lord and one body. Verse 2 of chapter 4 says "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" Sometimes I think the lines between anger and humility are blurred.. at least for me. Lately I've been put in situations that have angered me. some I've had to humble myself and get over it... and others where I feel my anger is completely justified. I have done so much for our college group here... trying my hardest to unite us and bring us together, and after a few of us spent the weekend painting the musty old room and giving up some of our own couches so there would be comfortable seating... the group threatens to split up because they don't like what we are doing/have done in there. A lot of negative things are being said about the
small number of us who are stepping up and trying to make comfortable changes for the group. Maybe our leadership isn't welcome.. I'm not sure. But my anger doesn't sprout from hurt feelings, or hurt pride. My anger comes from the fact that there are people who want to split the group because they don't like the changes we are making. My anger comes from the fact that people will say all of these things when my back is turned, but deny it when approached, or walk away from me completely. My anger comes mostly from us not being a group. Not being united. That's the only reason I do the things I do... it's all for the group. I don't care about the paint, or the couches.. I will put everything back how it was if it will mean the group staying together. I'm frustrated because of my brothers and sisters not wanting to worship with me over things like paint and cold hard metal folding chairs.
The struggle for me isn't in trying not to be angry. I don't think that my anger is wrong. The struggle is being loving in my anger, and not saying hurtful things to anyone. Jesus acted in his anger because he loved those people in the temple. God acted in his anger in Jeremiah because he loved the Israelites so much and wanted them to get things right. My anger in itself isn't a sin.. it's how I handle it and react to it that's important.
I guess these things will happen in the ministry. I am being watched very closely and as a missionary, I will never be able to please everyone. The best I can do is be patient, humble and loving... and pick and choose my battles.
God is teaching me a lot through all of this.
This week's lesson: Anger.
Is there such thing as righteous anger? I used to think that anger was always negative all the time, but in getting to know God better I'm seeing that that obviously isn't true. Look at Jeremiah. Look at Exodus. And of course, look at Jesus in the temple. In Matthew 21 it says that Jesus overturned tables and drove out all who were buying and selling there. When Jesus says "My house is a house of prayer but you have made it a den of robbers"... I picture him with fire in his eyes. Anger turning his face red. His fists clenching. I don't picture Jesus serenely and calmly saying this to the people there. He was angry!
On the other side of it, we are told not to sin in our anger. Ephesians 4:27 says "and do not give the devil a foothold".. and this just after Paul tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.
With all that said, am I justified in being angry at a group of people who are purposefully and negatively trying to split up our group because of a few small disagreements? Paul dedicates a whole section of his letter to the Ephesians on unity in the church, and how there is one Lord and one body. Verse 2 of chapter 4 says "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" Sometimes I think the lines between anger and humility are blurred.. at least for me. Lately I've been put in situations that have angered me. some I've had to humble myself and get over it... and others where I feel my anger is completely justified. I have done so much for our college group here... trying my hardest to unite us and bring us together, and after a few of us spent the weekend painting the musty old room and giving up some of our own couches so there would be comfortable seating... the group threatens to split up because they don't like what we are doing/have done in there. A lot of negative things are being said about the
small number of us who are stepping up and trying to make comfortable changes for the group. Maybe our leadership isn't welcome.. I'm not sure. But my anger doesn't sprout from hurt feelings, or hurt pride. My anger comes from the fact that there are people who want to split the group because they don't like the changes we are making. My anger comes from the fact that people will say all of these things when my back is turned, but deny it when approached, or walk away from me completely. My anger comes mostly from us not being a group. Not being united. That's the only reason I do the things I do... it's all for the group. I don't care about the paint, or the couches.. I will put everything back how it was if it will mean the group staying together. I'm frustrated because of my brothers and sisters not wanting to worship with me over things like paint and cold hard metal folding chairs.
The struggle for me isn't in trying not to be angry. I don't think that my anger is wrong. The struggle is being loving in my anger, and not saying hurtful things to anyone. Jesus acted in his anger because he loved those people in the temple. God acted in his anger in Jeremiah because he loved the Israelites so much and wanted them to get things right. My anger in itself isn't a sin.. it's how I handle it and react to it that's important.
I guess these things will happen in the ministry. I am being watched very closely and as a missionary, I will never be able to please everyone. The best I can do is be patient, humble and loving... and pick and choose my battles.
God is teaching me a lot through all of this.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
What is love? (baby, don't hurt me)
A lot has happened since my last post! It seems like as soon we feel like things are going well, it all has to change. Things can't always work out the way we desire, I suppose. If things were perfect here than we wouldn't need to be here at all.
A good friend here was saying how he believes that we are here on this earth because of love. God is love, right? And we were created in his image.... well, what is love? 1 Cor 13 will give us a list. And many other places in the Bible talks about love as well... but specifically in 1 Cor we see that love is patient and kind and not rude or self-seeking.... how would we ever learn those things if we were never in a place that has time, or boundaries, or pain. If we were just created to be with God in Heaven and skipped this whole Earth thing, then we would never truly known and understand what his love for us really is. We would just be in this amazing place and not even appreciate it because we never suffered or felt pain or loved someone or needed God. He wants us to really know and feel and understand his love, and he wants us to teach it to everyone we encounter. It's a really beautiful concept if you sit and think about it for a while.
I've been thinking a lot about love lately, in every aspect. How to love someone who's wronged me. How to love my team. How to love the unlovables of this world. How God may or may not bless me with a spouse one day. It can all be very overwhelming at times... especially because the world has really twisted the meaning of the word love.
For example: A situation has come up recently that a person very close to me has been sinning against me in secret. It's been going on for a long time, and was found out on accident. The world would teach me to be angry and upset... to victimize myself and to make this person feel guilty and wrong and bad about themselves. And honestly, part of me wanted to.. a big part of me. But God teaches me to regard this person as family, help them to see they have a sin problem and love them despite the fact that I've been hurt. God loves this person, so incredibly much, it's the sin that he despises. Who am I, as a sinner, to hate this person for that when God loves ME so much as well.
I'm not saying that I wasn't hurt, and even angry at some points, but I know how important it is to fight to be loving... which isn't only an emotion, but mostly based on actions. I definitely think the 2 go hand-in-hand when it comes to love. We can say we feel love but if our actions don't show it then we aren't being loving. We can show it in our actions but not feel it at all in our hearts... which I don't think is wrong, necessarily but I don't think it's complete either. I still haven't figured it all out yet, but then, I don't think I ever will. The best I can do is strive to learn as much as I can before I leave this place.
I have been put in situations recently that I wouldn't have been able to handle the way I have been if it weren't for the things God has been showing me. I wonder how I would have reacted just a few short months ago, and I think the outcome would be very different. God tends to do that sometimes, doesn't he? I need to remember that I am continually learning new things and in no way should I ever feel I know enough.
We've been spending a lot of time with the homeless lately, and I feel like I have allowed myself to be filled with a feeling of contentment over that. Maybe a little bit pride as well. I don't want to ever feel like what I am doing is enough. I want to always be looking for opportunities and always be striving to serve more. I think I often get my fill of "good deeds" for a day and then settle back a little bit and miss opportunities because I'm too busy being proud of myself. I think some days I need God to shake me a little bit and remind me that there can ALWAYS be MORE done in this world. I've been praying for God to use me and shake up my world a bit and make me uncomfortable in my serving. It's a hard thing to ask and some days I'm not even sure if I'd be willing to to listen if he showed me, but I am hoping that I can ignore my selfishness and do what needs to be done.
I have a feeling that God is going to answer my prayers in some pretty strange ways.
I'm looking forward to it.
A good friend here was saying how he believes that we are here on this earth because of love. God is love, right? And we were created in his image.... well, what is love? 1 Cor 13 will give us a list. And many other places in the Bible talks about love as well... but specifically in 1 Cor we see that love is patient and kind and not rude or self-seeking.... how would we ever learn those things if we were never in a place that has time, or boundaries, or pain. If we were just created to be with God in Heaven and skipped this whole Earth thing, then we would never truly known and understand what his love for us really is. We would just be in this amazing place and not even appreciate it because we never suffered or felt pain or loved someone or needed God. He wants us to really know and feel and understand his love, and he wants us to teach it to everyone we encounter. It's a really beautiful concept if you sit and think about it for a while.
I've been thinking a lot about love lately, in every aspect. How to love someone who's wronged me. How to love my team. How to love the unlovables of this world. How God may or may not bless me with a spouse one day. It can all be very overwhelming at times... especially because the world has really twisted the meaning of the word love.
For example: A situation has come up recently that a person very close to me has been sinning against me in secret. It's been going on for a long time, and was found out on accident. The world would teach me to be angry and upset... to victimize myself and to make this person feel guilty and wrong and bad about themselves. And honestly, part of me wanted to.. a big part of me. But God teaches me to regard this person as family, help them to see they have a sin problem and love them despite the fact that I've been hurt. God loves this person, so incredibly much, it's the sin that he despises. Who am I, as a sinner, to hate this person for that when God loves ME so much as well.
I'm not saying that I wasn't hurt, and even angry at some points, but I know how important it is to fight to be loving... which isn't only an emotion, but mostly based on actions. I definitely think the 2 go hand-in-hand when it comes to love. We can say we feel love but if our actions don't show it then we aren't being loving. We can show it in our actions but not feel it at all in our hearts... which I don't think is wrong, necessarily but I don't think it's complete either. I still haven't figured it all out yet, but then, I don't think I ever will. The best I can do is strive to learn as much as I can before I leave this place.
I have been put in situations recently that I wouldn't have been able to handle the way I have been if it weren't for the things God has been showing me. I wonder how I would have reacted just a few short months ago, and I think the outcome would be very different. God tends to do that sometimes, doesn't he? I need to remember that I am continually learning new things and in no way should I ever feel I know enough.
We've been spending a lot of time with the homeless lately, and I feel like I have allowed myself to be filled with a feeling of contentment over that. Maybe a little bit pride as well. I don't want to ever feel like what I am doing is enough. I want to always be looking for opportunities and always be striving to serve more. I think I often get my fill of "good deeds" for a day and then settle back a little bit and miss opportunities because I'm too busy being proud of myself. I think some days I need God to shake me a little bit and remind me that there can ALWAYS be MORE done in this world. I've been praying for God to use me and shake up my world a bit and make me uncomfortable in my serving. It's a hard thing to ask and some days I'm not even sure if I'd be willing to to listen if he showed me, but I am hoping that I can ignore my selfishness and do what needs to be done.
I have a feeling that God is going to answer my prayers in some pretty strange ways.
I'm looking forward to it.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Ripples
It's amazing what God can do with the choices we make. 6 months ago I thought I was going to be in Brazil, and here I am in little ol' Grass Valley, California. I knew that I would be stretched here, and that I would grow and change but I never really understood how much. God has been doing amazing things, and I have been learning so incredibly much.
The team has been doing really well... we have been working hard to keep our focus on the important things and less on our own issues. It will never be perfect but if we keep our minds and hearts set on what's above than we will touch many lives here. Lately I've been praying for God to use me in any way possible, and he has been.
We have been volunteering at a place called the Hospitality House, hanging out with the homeless. We usually take turns on Sunday nights going downtown to the Catholic church where they stay overnight. I have grown to really care for some of the people there. There is one man in particular who has really touched my heart. His name is Paul and he is very unique indeed. Most of the homeless we encounter are either alcoholics, into drugs, or content with where they are- Paul is quite the opposite. He's looking into getting a job as a truck driver, and his faith in the Lord is so strong that it makes me reevaluate myself at times. He has been ignored, rejected, and looked down upon by so many people.. including (or more appropriately, ESPECIALLY) Christians, but he still searches for the good in people. This past Sunday night, my friend Leeland and I went to the church to hang out- and spent nearly 3 hours talking with Paul. Towards the end of our time together he said to us... "If I had eaten nothing at all today, and had no place to sleep tonight I would still feel filled because of talking to you". If that's not what this is all about then I don't know what is.
I'm finally beginning to learn what being a true disciple is all about. It's not about going to the church building every Sunday... or having small group on Tuesday, game night on Friday, and Bible studies in between. (Although all those things are very important and very necessary...). But it's about being Jesus to people, and recognizing Jesus in them. It's about loving the way God loves, and not the way society has taught us to. It's about sharing what we know through not only our words but especially our actions.
God has been so good to me, in so many ways... with the house I live in, the food I eat, the friends I have, even the shoes and socks on my feet. I take advantage of these things daily... when there are people like Paul who struggle to eat one meal each day. God is slowly opening my eyes to the need that's all around me, and I know that with the work that we are doing here, we are barely causing a ripple... but it's a start.
The team has been doing really well... we have been working hard to keep our focus on the important things and less on our own issues. It will never be perfect but if we keep our minds and hearts set on what's above than we will touch many lives here. Lately I've been praying for God to use me in any way possible, and he has been.
We have been volunteering at a place called the Hospitality House, hanging out with the homeless. We usually take turns on Sunday nights going downtown to the Catholic church where they stay overnight. I have grown to really care for some of the people there. There is one man in particular who has really touched my heart. His name is Paul and he is very unique indeed. Most of the homeless we encounter are either alcoholics, into drugs, or content with where they are- Paul is quite the opposite. He's looking into getting a job as a truck driver, and his faith in the Lord is so strong that it makes me reevaluate myself at times. He has been ignored, rejected, and looked down upon by so many people.. including (or more appropriately, ESPECIALLY) Christians, but he still searches for the good in people. This past Sunday night, my friend Leeland and I went to the church to hang out- and spent nearly 3 hours talking with Paul. Towards the end of our time together he said to us... "If I had eaten nothing at all today, and had no place to sleep tonight I would still feel filled because of talking to you". If that's not what this is all about then I don't know what is.
I'm finally beginning to learn what being a true disciple is all about. It's not about going to the church building every Sunday... or having small group on Tuesday, game night on Friday, and Bible studies in between. (Although all those things are very important and very necessary...). But it's about being Jesus to people, and recognizing Jesus in them. It's about loving the way God loves, and not the way society has taught us to. It's about sharing what we know through not only our words but especially our actions.
God has been so good to me, in so many ways... with the house I live in, the food I eat, the friends I have, even the shoes and socks on my feet. I take advantage of these things daily... when there are people like Paul who struggle to eat one meal each day. God is slowly opening my eyes to the need that's all around me, and I know that with the work that we are doing here, we are barely causing a ripple... but it's a start.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)